Saturday, November 19, 2016

11/19/16

I got a new laptop! It's so beautiful and new! It's my birthday and Christmas present from my parents and I love it so much. It's heaviness is the only downside, but I don't mind. Civilization 6 looks so amazing on it.

Today was a date day with Adam and it was lovely as always. We did a BUNCH of canoodling in the morning. I got there at 8:15 am because he told me to be at his house as early as I want. I rung the doorbell and knocked twenty times before he opened the door, but it turns out he was waiting for me since 7:55 am but couldn't hear the doorbells and knocking from his room! He gave lots of love and hugs; it was so nice~ We napped, ate at Islands, played Civ, canoodled some more, went to a music concert for my class, got Scardino's, finished Stranger Things, and watched half of Jiro Dreams of Sushi. It was a lovely amazing day that went by way too fast, as usual~ The next time I'm seeing him is maybe Wednesday, definitely Friday. I always think for a little how lucky I am to have these days with him right now because when he goes to Japan for a year, it'll be so much harder. But, my therapist told me stop thinking about the future so much and enjoy the present. She's right, of course. I'm having an amazing time with Adam and I'm grateful for every second. I still think about the possibility of Jill have feelings for him at some point because of all that I know, but in the end, he's chosen to be with me, stay with me and not her.

Tomorrow I have a lot of work to do, including a LOT of physics study and finding time for my research paper and personal statements. It won't be easy, but I have to keep going to fulfill my goals! I'll try my best to stay as motivated as possible.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

11/13/16

Sundays are usually cranky days but today I felt bad for being cranky. My mom's like me and is sensitive, so when she asked me if I wanted to go to mall with her and I asked her how long it would take and joked with my dad that she takes a long time shopping, she snapped and got upset and told us that if we didn't want to go with her then we should just say that. I felt really guilty afterwards, and started crying when she came home and apologized a million times, but she already was over it so everything ended well. I want to control my irritation and hostility because mama does not deserve it.

Other than that, I went to church and had soondubu with family and did school work and chores for the rest of the day. I started looking at my sources for my research paper and studied for my math exam tomorrow. I'm trying to find a balance with my study habits to prevent me burning out and feeling exhausted again... Two honors courses are taking more out of me than I expected! I figured that some days I would leave home later when I really need to stay in bed and rest, which is always okay. Overworking is never good for my motivation.

My birthday is coming up and here are some rough plans I have in my head:
Friday (my actual birthday):

  • Day time - celebrate with carrie, erica, erin, nina, audrey/whoever else can come to a tea place. Rides might be an issue, erica and carrie are the only ones with cars who can drive the freeway, but they both have five seaters only. But leaving out people would suck! Maybe somewhere closer for lunch instead. Afterwards, black Friday shopping?
  • Night time - Dinner somewhere with family + Adam. Restaurant limited b/c of what the price may be. Sushi is expensive, CPK was last year, Lucille's maybe? After dinner, go to Adam's and relax.
Saturday: 
  • Basically my birthday celebration with Adam. Nothing fancy obviously; there will be at least candles and a couple bath and some sweet lovin'. Maybe a date to the botanical gardens too? Somewhere nice to eat. Civ 6 probably too! We'll see what happens~

Saturday, November 12, 2016

11/12/16: Venting Thoughts

So I've decided to use this platform to vent out all my really negative feelings in my life; specifically regarding any jealous feelings in my relationship. I really want to become a cool girlfriend who won't be bothered when my boyfriend does other things or talks to other people, but it's a innate habit of mine to be skeptical or jealous, and I'm trying very hard right now to make it stop. The problem is, it'll become an issue if I tell Adam every single time I get jealous because he'll feel like I'm restraining him, when I actually don't mean to. So venting out my feelings on here and to other people along with regular meditation would help.

For today, I felt crazy towards the end of the night because I kept thinking about a girl named Lillian who commented on my photo I posted of me and Adam. It's still bothering me a little that she casually commented on my photo like she's a close friend of Adam's or something, when she's definitely not. I can tell she's not important to him, so it bothers me that she's acting like she is. I've seen her message him every now and then, but she doesn't message him every single day or he tries to talk her to have a conversation. I hope. UGH! She probably means nothing to him. I hope she realizes that. I hate these negative feelings so much. I just have to get it out and then remember:

Adam loves me.
I'm one of the most important people in his life.
Our relationship is intimate and special in another level that he doesn't have with anyone else.
He would not flirt with anyone behind my back or let anyone flirt with him.

Don't overthink things. Don't ruin things.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

11/9/16: lol

I'm so annoyed at myself right now lol. It's been almost two months since Adam's been at UCLA but I still get jealous and a little bitter whenever he goes out to drink. I was feeling a little upset tonight because he was going to a wine and cheese club. I told him I thought it would be fun but now I'm feeling... negative about it. I'm still thinking of scenarios of him meeting some new people who might pull him away from me or meeting girls who might flirt with him. It still makes me feel so weird thinking about him drink so often. I don't know why still though? I honestly don't care if my friends drink alcohol or if nina smokes weed, so why am i so bothered every time I think of Adam drinking? I think I feel so... possessive over him. I'm still uncomfortable with strangers (to me) seeing sides of him that only I saw. I feel bad now for being short with him during our call but he's too busy with other people now.
I hate these feelings I'm getting because they're so unhealthy. It's not good for either of us when I'm petty like this. I'm really trying to stop being possessive and jealous. It's still a habit of emotions for me though and sometimes it gets out of hand. I do trust him and know that he wouldn't betray that trust. I'm just still trying to keep myself together... I feel like such a mess right now. I told him that I wasn't bothered even though I was short with him and I WAS bothered. I didn't want him to know... I will just text him I guess and hope for the best that he won't make it a big deal.