I AM SO ANNOYED AND CONFUSED.
It has been a week since Brendan has talked to me, assumingly because of him still feeling shitty and not looking at his phone. But still, what does that mean for us? Are we seeing each other no longer a thing because he doesn't want to communicate with me???
I've seen his car a couple of times on my street so I know he's still going to classes, but he's just not choosing to see me. I'm at a point where I want to know a reason why. If this keeps going on, I'd rather him just tell me straight up that he doesn't want to see me anymore OR just tell me why he hasn't been reaching out to me. I know we're not bf/gf, but I feel like he at least owes it to me to explain why he's just been GONE.
It's irritating as FUCCCCK.
I'm debating what to do. I sent him a message asking if he was ok and it says he hasn't read it. I could either wait for him to read it and see what he says, but if too much time passes, then I'm going to either call him and leave him a voicemail or leave a message on his car asking what the fuck is up. I don't like being left in the dark and I'm at a point where I'm just irritated.
I could also... just drop him. Forget about him. Assume we're not seeing each other anymore. I think I'll do this if he sees my message and decides not to talk to me. Or I could just do that right now and not feel bad about it anymore.
I think I have to work out my feelings for him first before I decide what to do.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
7/18/2018
morning pages! at work version. i'm still trying to decide whether i like typing or writing more. typing is easier and quicker but writing feels more raw and personal. i might try writing tomorrow.
yesterday was interesting. brendan has kind of been quiet for the past couple of days and monday's text didn't get answered until last night when he said that he's been feeling really shitty and i asked him why and he said that it's nothing serious and that he doesn't want to worry me. which is sweet of him but like... if he's not feeling good then of course i want to help. i didn't dig any deeper than that though and just told him that i don't mind if he shares his problems with me and that it's not a burden and that he can come talk to me with what's up when he's ready. i don't know, it feels kind of strange and i know that he's a private person and he doesn't usually share things like that easily, but it would be nice to know. i don't know when he's gonna talk to me again, but my plan of action is to sit back and take a beat. i can't force him to tell me everything if he doesn't want to. and either way, i have other stuff to do and worry about.
for instance, today is kind of full of errands especially because i'm leaving for toronto tomorrow night. i have to go to target after work to buy travel size things and snacks for the plane, work out when i get home, fold my laundry, get some studying in, and come up with my packing list. i'm wondering if i should still go out and study with jay because i'm usually more productive outside of my apartment. but it all depends on when i finish all of my errands.
i have a lot of studying and work to do too: we just got assigned our homework for this week and it's 7 problems!!! last week she only assigned six! and all of them this time seem so long! so i have to get a head start on it, especially since i'm gonna be in canada. on top of that, i still have to put together my Mega Problem Set for chapter 2 and hopefully get some good review in. i'm definitely gonna have to take some time aside while i'm in toronto to do some studying because if i don't, i'm gonna be screwed for the midterm.
the midterm is 40% of our grade too and i'm not sure how to feel about it. the class just feels unstructured because of the professor, so i have to organize all of the material myself. luckily, she said the difficulty will be on par with the homework and will cover things we only talked about in class, so there's a good idea of what'll be on it. i hope i do well!
i've also been worrying about my expenses a lot. i feel like i've been doing too much worrying lately and it's not good. anyways, i spend quite a bit of money on food and the amount i have on my budget tracker and the amount that's in my checking is like ~$100 apart.
yesterday was interesting. brendan has kind of been quiet for the past couple of days and monday's text didn't get answered until last night when he said that he's been feeling really shitty and i asked him why and he said that it's nothing serious and that he doesn't want to worry me. which is sweet of him but like... if he's not feeling good then of course i want to help. i didn't dig any deeper than that though and just told him that i don't mind if he shares his problems with me and that it's not a burden and that he can come talk to me with what's up when he's ready. i don't know, it feels kind of strange and i know that he's a private person and he doesn't usually share things like that easily, but it would be nice to know. i don't know when he's gonna talk to me again, but my plan of action is to sit back and take a beat. i can't force him to tell me everything if he doesn't want to. and either way, i have other stuff to do and worry about.
for instance, today is kind of full of errands especially because i'm leaving for toronto tomorrow night. i have to go to target after work to buy travel size things and snacks for the plane, work out when i get home, fold my laundry, get some studying in, and come up with my packing list. i'm wondering if i should still go out and study with jay because i'm usually more productive outside of my apartment. but it all depends on when i finish all of my errands.
i have a lot of studying and work to do too: we just got assigned our homework for this week and it's 7 problems!!! last week she only assigned six! and all of them this time seem so long! so i have to get a head start on it, especially since i'm gonna be in canada. on top of that, i still have to put together my Mega Problem Set for chapter 2 and hopefully get some good review in. i'm definitely gonna have to take some time aside while i'm in toronto to do some studying because if i don't, i'm gonna be screwed for the midterm.
the midterm is 40% of our grade too and i'm not sure how to feel about it. the class just feels unstructured because of the professor, so i have to organize all of the material myself. luckily, she said the difficulty will be on par with the homework and will cover things we only talked about in class, so there's a good idea of what'll be on it. i hope i do well!
i've also been worrying about my expenses a lot. i feel like i've been doing too much worrying lately and it's not good. anyways, i spend quite a bit of money on food and the amount i have on my budget tracker and the amount that's in my checking is like ~$100 apart.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
7/8/2018
Yesterday I spent most of the day in my apartment because it was way too hot to go outside.
I woke up early though to go to the gym and get a workout in. It was worth it! I felt so much better afterward and I can feel the effects already today. My legs feel nice and sore.
The rest of the day I spent inside, waiting to see when Brendan would come over. Most of the time I was either playing Breath of the Wild or practicing ukulele. I watched so much new Steven Universe that morning and then I found a tab sheet page for Here Comes a Thought, so I've been practicing it! It sounds pretty good so far, but I wanna play and sing it at the same time.
Then Brendan came over at around 7 so we watched some Game of Thrones together until going to Kenneth's place at 9. For some reason at the beginning of the night, I wasn't feeling very energetic. To be honest, I didn't feel like I was very present in the night until we started playing Catan. It was a really fun game and I felt like I was able to bond more with Kenneth and Sam over it! They're both really lovely people who are both mature and very fun to be around. Their relationship is very endearing because it's obvious that they both love each other so much. They both show each other so much affection, even around other people. And it's through small things like the stories they tell, the looks they give each other or the small physical touches they have. It made me think that sometimes Adam would not act like that around me and there were moments when I would wonder if he still passionately loved me like that. It made me think that I deserve better, I deserve someone who will give me a relationship like Sam and Kenneth or Tori and Jackson. It was a very nice night.
Funny enough, there were some moments when I would think, "Adam would act like this in this situation" or something like that. I wasn't completely there for some of it, but once we started playing the game, I settled in more and felt more comfortable. I'm not sure what it was about it that made me feel like I was outside of my comfort zone. Maybe it was because I was around people that I still didn't know all that well, even though Brendan was there. Usually, I would think since he's there, I would feel comforted but I guess because we aren't officially dating or anything I kind of felt alone.
This is something that I've been doting on, especially since my stages of grief with the break up is over. I'm trying to find a good balance between all things in my life. I want to spend more time alone because I want to be able to feel comfortable being by myself. At the end of the day, that's all I have: myself! So that even if no one is around to hang out, I can comfortably be okay being alone without having FOMO. However, I'm scared that if I'm by myself too much or if I hang out with Brendan too much, then I'll start feeling depressed; like I need more social interaction somehow. Being with Brendan is really fun, but I'm starting to feel like I wanna hang out with other people other than him during the week. I don't want to fall into the relationship pattern again where I just hang out with one person most of the time and then I start feeling socially dependent on that person.
I think I realized that this morning. So I hit up the Summer Squad group chat and asked if anyone was free to hang out, and now Jay and I are getting lunch later! I've been wanting to hang out with him, Rachel and Emily too so this is nice. I'm also gonna see if I can see some of my friends this weekend too. I'm gonna ask Czarina if she's free on Saturday and if not, then Erica and Carrie. During the week, I'll see Brendan a couple of times. I'll probably see him tomorrow on Monday and definitely on Thursday when he sleeps over. The rest of the week, I'm gonna have work and school and I'll also be working on myself. Practicing being alone and exploring my hobbies and outlets.
I woke up early though to go to the gym and get a workout in. It was worth it! I felt so much better afterward and I can feel the effects already today. My legs feel nice and sore.
The rest of the day I spent inside, waiting to see when Brendan would come over. Most of the time I was either playing Breath of the Wild or practicing ukulele. I watched so much new Steven Universe that morning and then I found a tab sheet page for Here Comes a Thought, so I've been practicing it! It sounds pretty good so far, but I wanna play and sing it at the same time.
Then Brendan came over at around 7 so we watched some Game of Thrones together until going to Kenneth's place at 9. For some reason at the beginning of the night, I wasn't feeling very energetic. To be honest, I didn't feel like I was very present in the night until we started playing Catan. It was a really fun game and I felt like I was able to bond more with Kenneth and Sam over it! They're both really lovely people who are both mature and very fun to be around. Their relationship is very endearing because it's obvious that they both love each other so much. They both show each other so much affection, even around other people. And it's through small things like the stories they tell, the looks they give each other or the small physical touches they have. It made me think that sometimes Adam would not act like that around me and there were moments when I would wonder if he still passionately loved me like that. It made me think that I deserve better, I deserve someone who will give me a relationship like Sam and Kenneth or Tori and Jackson. It was a very nice night.
Funny enough, there were some moments when I would think, "Adam would act like this in this situation" or something like that. I wasn't completely there for some of it, but once we started playing the game, I settled in more and felt more comfortable. I'm not sure what it was about it that made me feel like I was outside of my comfort zone. Maybe it was because I was around people that I still didn't know all that well, even though Brendan was there. Usually, I would think since he's there, I would feel comforted but I guess because we aren't officially dating or anything I kind of felt alone.
This is something that I've been doting on, especially since my stages of grief with the break up is over. I'm trying to find a good balance between all things in my life. I want to spend more time alone because I want to be able to feel comfortable being by myself. At the end of the day, that's all I have: myself! So that even if no one is around to hang out, I can comfortably be okay being alone without having FOMO. However, I'm scared that if I'm by myself too much or if I hang out with Brendan too much, then I'll start feeling depressed; like I need more social interaction somehow. Being with Brendan is really fun, but I'm starting to feel like I wanna hang out with other people other than him during the week. I don't want to fall into the relationship pattern again where I just hang out with one person most of the time and then I start feeling socially dependent on that person.
I think I realized that this morning. So I hit up the Summer Squad group chat and asked if anyone was free to hang out, and now Jay and I are getting lunch later! I've been wanting to hang out with him, Rachel and Emily too so this is nice. I'm also gonna see if I can see some of my friends this weekend too. I'm gonna ask Czarina if she's free on Saturday and if not, then Erica and Carrie. During the week, I'll see Brendan a couple of times. I'll probably see him tomorrow on Monday and definitely on Thursday when he sleeps over. The rest of the week, I'm gonna have work and school and I'll also be working on myself. Practicing being alone and exploring my hobbies and outlets.
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