6/30/2018

this week has been a really interesting one...
I spent a lot of time with Brendan and I think our relationship is definitely like a casual romantic relationship?? It's definitely not like a boyfriend/girlfriend type of serious relationship. It's more like we like to hang out with each other, go out to eat, go to Disneyland, kiss and other stuff. And he's really easy to be with and we both find each other really attractive.
Yesterday he slept over after we played a Game of Thrones drinking game, making out, and then sleeping together. It was the first time that I had sex with someone since breaking up with Adam and for the most part, I feel pretty good about it. There was consent to everything and it felt really good and enjoyable. Dr. Bassi told me that I should be able to have sex without feeling any guilt because it's something that I need to satisfy for myself. Or something like that. And the sex was really nice, we both like each other a lot, and it was just fun! I'm trying not to make a big deal about it and I feel like this is kind of opening up a new part of me that's accepting a sexual life without any long-term commitments. I've never been in a casual romantic relationship before and honestly right now it feels really nice. Brendan understands why I don't want a serious relationship after I explained all of it to him, so it's great because we're both on the same page about it! Whether we're exclusive or not hasn't been talked about, but right now I'm not attracted to anyone else.
After sex, we talked for like two hours in bed about random things and deep personal stuff like past relationships and personal growth. I had heard from other people things about Brendan and I wasn't sure what to think of it, so it was good to hear things from his side of the story. In the end, he seems to be aware of mistakes and is trying his best to fix his flaws and grow; which is super mature!
Eventually, we fell asleep but then woke up at 7:30 am. We ended up making out and having sex again, but this time we both came :-) it felt SO nice. And then to make the morning even better, we went out to a cute cafe in Westwood for breakfast! We ate delicious breakfast food, had tea and lovely conversation. I ate a breakfast sandwich that consisted of bacon, avocado, goat cheese, and a fried egg in between a brioche bun. It tasted AMAZING, especially with English Breakfast Tea.
After breakfast, Brendan went to work and we said our goodbyes for the week. I probably won't see him until Thursday because of the holiday.
I spent the rest of the day at home, cleaning my room, doing laundry and going out the Drake Stadium to go for a run. It was the last day of my Fitness Blender workout program, so I ran a mile to check my progress. I went from a 9:20 mile to an 8:24 mile!!!! I was so shocked to see how much I improved! I was worried that I wasn't making any progress because I still felt a little flabby, but seeing how much I improved from the beginning of May was amazing.
I'm going to continue the program again for the rest of the summer to keep up with exercise. I am also debating whether to sign up for a kickboxing class for the summer to find some new hobbies.
I spent the rest of the evening napping, working on homework, looking at food online, and then eating dinner. I'm going to sleep early since I haven't slept much the past two days.
Tomorrow right now all I have on my to do list is to pay bills, do homework, fold laundry, and maybe go for a run. I'm trying to explore what it is that I want to do in my free time. I'm gonna spend some time tomorrow doing some personal exploration exercises to learn about myself more and figure out how to change my lifestyle to make myself the happiest person I can be.

6/11/18

my mind is definitely trying to fill the void that adam left. there are many things like the physical intimacy and emotional intimacy and me wanting to reach out to flavious is a form of trying to fill that void. i don't think i'm ready to start dating again. i'm not sure how to feel about a lot of things; flav rejecting me because of my age did hurt of course, but not so much that i'm devastated. i think i'm hurt because i wanted someone to distract me from the feelings of the break up. i find him really attractive but didn't really connect on an emotional level that much. that could be just because we had only seen each other with other people around, but either way something tells me it wasn't really right. but the fact remains that i liked it that he was interested in me and i'm interested in him so now that it's ended, i'm back to focusing on other things. the break up. being alone. i want love and romance and to be with someone who will make me feel the way adam did, hopefully even more. it's kind of consumed me and is what i think about when i'm laying in bed or just waking up. 

this is why i think it's good for me to take some time for myself. refocus my energy into me and not be so hung up about wanting to be romantically loved again. it's not the only thing in my life and i really really need to take some time to remind myself of that. 

6/10/2018

so many things happened this weekend... and i feel like i need to get my feelings out there just so i can express them and get them off my chest
i keep thinking about flav still and whatever that was. honestly, i'm not sure how strong my feelings are for him because on a surface level, i dont see us that long term and im also trying not to get into anything too serious right now especially after that break up
but at the same i'm like i want to see him again and do stuff lolllll and i feel like that's because i really like the attention and i think he's attractive too which probably isn't the healthiest reason to want to see him again especially since he said himself that we're just friends or something along the lines of that the next time we're seeing each other is just to hang out and that's it which is fine honestly lol
because he's right about the too far thing but the age difference really bothers him for some reason so that's on him
but i just went to brunch with andrew acedo and honestly based on all the things i've heard him say about flav plus the interactions i've had with him, we maybe wouldn't have worked out in the long term???
he has a very possessive and immature ex girlfriend who would've started drama and stuff if we ever became a thing, and he seems kind of close minded, which could be shown by the whole age shenanigans. buttttt its ok, i'm not too cut up by it; i'm happy to have just met someone attractive who was interested in me and have some fun with him.
it would've been nice to just have gone on a few dates with him and have some ""fun"" but it seemed like all he wanted was for us to hang out. but it's pretty obvious that he was interested in me because of the flirting and the fact that after the thor movie we were doin stuff lmaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooo
but who knows!!! I think based on what's been happening and the talks i've had, i want to focus on myself more. date myself and develop and grow who i am as a person. i'm interested in a love that comes naturally and passionately and i feel like i can't actively seek that out. i want to work on myself more and not be so obsessed with being with a guy. i want to focus on my studies, growing my passion and knowledge for the environment, become a better baker, try new things and meet new people. whoever is the next love of my life will come out of me seeking this love for myself. of course it would be cool to date around a little bit, especially since it's been a long time since i've had sex, but i'm not sure how soon i wanna do that. i was considering downloading tinder once summer school started so i could get that off, but i'm not totally sure if i'm ready for that yet.
but i definitely want to shift my focus from guys to myself. i'll always always be open to love and flirting, but i want to make my priority myself. that's how i'm going to move forward for the rest of this year and hopefully good things happen!