tonight a culmination of emotions came spilling out. i still miss adam. so. much. it still hurts after three months, even after not talking to him. why now? i feel like part of it is because of the shit with brendan. while it was really nice while it lasted, the way it ended and other parts of him made me realize how immature he was. and that loss made me think of adam and the way he treated me when things didn't go well. even though he wasn't romantic, he still listened and was there when there was something wrong with either one of us. i guess being hit with the reality of how other men can be made me miss being in a mature, loving relationship and now i just miss adam. he's out there somewhere here in socal, i know it. he's back from his year in japan and he hasn't contacted me which is both... good and bad. i have to focus on why it's good though. it's good because if i see him again, it'll hurt so much and i will probably have feelings for him again which will only cause my healing to be pushed back even more. based on the state that i'm in right now, i shouldn't see him. it'll be hard and i won't be able to face him with a logical head.
i also have to remember why we cannot get back together. remember all the bad things because right now all i can think about are the good things. the relationship was not balanced, i feel like i had more love and effort and romance poured into it more often than he did. i didn't have a chance to be truly selfish, i cared so much more about our relationship than myself. adam did more of that and it resulted in him breaking up with me the first time and the second time and almost breaking up with me before he went to ucla. i don't know if it's a man thing, but he definitely prioritized himself more than our relationship, even after we got back together the first time. and i can't get back together with him. it will not work. i don't trust that he'll be truly invested in us again in the way that i want him to. also, he sometimes was not enthusiastic in the dates that i wanted to go on, like at shibuya or disneyland or at the aquarium. it didn't seem like he wanted to be there and it just hurt. i need it to be equal, even if we've been together for a long time.
so that's that. i can't get back together with him and i need to move on. truly i do. today was just a small setback which is, as dr bassi said, is normal. i've allowed myself to cry and mourn but i need to pick myself back up and throw myself back into what i need to do. tomorrow i'll start goal mapping again and each day i'm going to rediscover my passions. the environment, fashion, food, music, etc.
this is the time to rediscover myself. i think i need to take a break from being in any kind of romantic relationship where i lose time to myself or lose myself. i think it would be healthy for me to not pursue anything for a few months. at the very least, take a break from romance until my birthday (unless something truly amazing happens). i have to be with me, i have to love me, i have to build myself back up again and remember who i am, what i'm about. be strong, be indenpendent. you are amazing, megan and are capable of many things. don't let something like this set you back.
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Monday, August 6, 2018
Saturday, August 4, 2018
8/4/2018
I had such a lovely day today that I just had to journal! Yesterday was good too.
Yesterday I came home from UCLA for the weekend and had an appointment with Dr. Bassi. I was venting to her all of the shit that happened with Brendan and all of my frustrations with it. She told me that I really don't know the whole story and what's going on with him. At the very least, two basic options might have happened, he really is ignoring me and if he is then FUCK him I don't need that kind of shit, or something really is going on with him and he feels like not talking to me because of it. Either way, it's out of my control and I can't do anything about it in the meantime. So I'm trying to relax now because of that.
I also told her how I was feeling especially lonely and sad since that happened and she encouraged me to spend more quality time by myself instead of trying to distract myself from my feelings.
Afterward, I bought an acai bowl and sat by the beach for half an hour, just thinking, reflecting and enjoying the weather. I still have more reflecting to do about why I'm feeling so lonely and what my passions are.
Today I spent my morning walking with Dad and Boboy to the Farmer's Market and it was so nice! It was good exercise and we got to buy kale and salsa and try some fruit. We watched this horror movie called Happy Death Day together after lunch which was really fun to watch.
In the afternoon, I went out with Erica and Carrie! We stopped by Nijiya to get snacks and food before our movie and then went to watch Sorry to Bother You which was really.... weird. I get the message it's trying to send and I agree with it but the last act with the horse people was TOO MUCH! All three of us agreed on that. After that, we ate dinner together at Fish Bonz talking about attractive celebrities and other things and then walked around Whole Foods before hanging out by the pool just talking about a bunch of stuff. I LOVE those two so much. They really are my best friends because I feel so comfortable around them talking about anything and they're both just such good friends to me! We talked about future trips together, like Solvang for my birthday and a road trip to Portland and Seattle after Erica graduates. I love them so much and can't wait to hang out with them again next weekend!!!
Yesterday I came home from UCLA for the weekend and had an appointment with Dr. Bassi. I was venting to her all of the shit that happened with Brendan and all of my frustrations with it. She told me that I really don't know the whole story and what's going on with him. At the very least, two basic options might have happened, he really is ignoring me and if he is then FUCK him I don't need that kind of shit, or something really is going on with him and he feels like not talking to me because of it. Either way, it's out of my control and I can't do anything about it in the meantime. So I'm trying to relax now because of that.
I also told her how I was feeling especially lonely and sad since that happened and she encouraged me to spend more quality time by myself instead of trying to distract myself from my feelings.
Afterward, I bought an acai bowl and sat by the beach for half an hour, just thinking, reflecting and enjoying the weather. I still have more reflecting to do about why I'm feeling so lonely and what my passions are.
Today I spent my morning walking with Dad and Boboy to the Farmer's Market and it was so nice! It was good exercise and we got to buy kale and salsa and try some fruit. We watched this horror movie called Happy Death Day together after lunch which was really fun to watch.
In the afternoon, I went out with Erica and Carrie! We stopped by Nijiya to get snacks and food before our movie and then went to watch Sorry to Bother You which was really.... weird. I get the message it's trying to send and I agree with it but the last act with the horse people was TOO MUCH! All three of us agreed on that. After that, we ate dinner together at Fish Bonz talking about attractive celebrities and other things and then walked around Whole Foods before hanging out by the pool just talking about a bunch of stuff. I LOVE those two so much. They really are my best friends because I feel so comfortable around them talking about anything and they're both just such good friends to me! We talked about future trips together, like Solvang for my birthday and a road trip to Portland and Seattle after Erica graduates. I love them so much and can't wait to hang out with them again next weekend!!!
Sunday, July 8, 2018
7/8/2018
Yesterday I spent most of the day in my apartment because it was way too hot to go outside.
I woke up early though to go to the gym and get a workout in. It was worth it! I felt so much better afterward and I can feel the effects already today. My legs feel nice and sore.
The rest of the day I spent inside, waiting to see when Brendan would come over. Most of the time I was either playing Breath of the Wild or practicing ukulele. I watched so much new Steven Universe that morning and then I found a tab sheet page for Here Comes a Thought, so I've been practicing it! It sounds pretty good so far, but I wanna play and sing it at the same time.
Then Brendan came over at around 7 so we watched some Game of Thrones together until going to Kenneth's place at 9. For some reason at the beginning of the night, I wasn't feeling very energetic. To be honest, I didn't feel like I was very present in the night until we started playing Catan. It was a really fun game and I felt like I was able to bond more with Kenneth and Sam over it! They're both really lovely people who are both mature and very fun to be around. Their relationship is very endearing because it's obvious that they both love each other so much. They both show each other so much affection, even around other people. And it's through small things like the stories they tell, the looks they give each other or the small physical touches they have. It made me think that sometimes Adam would not act like that around me and there were moments when I would wonder if he still passionately loved me like that. It made me think that I deserve better, I deserve someone who will give me a relationship like Sam and Kenneth or Tori and Jackson. It was a very nice night.
Funny enough, there were some moments when I would think, "Adam would act like this in this situation" or something like that. I wasn't completely there for some of it, but once we started playing the game, I settled in more and felt more comfortable. I'm not sure what it was about it that made me feel like I was outside of my comfort zone. Maybe it was because I was around people that I still didn't know all that well, even though Brendan was there. Usually, I would think since he's there, I would feel comforted but I guess because we aren't officially dating or anything I kind of felt alone.
This is something that I've been doting on, especially since my stages of grief with the break up is over. I'm trying to find a good balance between all things in my life. I want to spend more time alone because I want to be able to feel comfortable being by myself. At the end of the day, that's all I have: myself! So that even if no one is around to hang out, I can comfortably be okay being alone without having FOMO. However, I'm scared that if I'm by myself too much or if I hang out with Brendan too much, then I'll start feeling depressed; like I need more social interaction somehow. Being with Brendan is really fun, but I'm starting to feel like I wanna hang out with other people other than him during the week. I don't want to fall into the relationship pattern again where I just hang out with one person most of the time and then I start feeling socially dependent on that person.
I think I realized that this morning. So I hit up the Summer Squad group chat and asked if anyone was free to hang out, and now Jay and I are getting lunch later! I've been wanting to hang out with him, Rachel and Emily too so this is nice. I'm also gonna see if I can see some of my friends this weekend too. I'm gonna ask Czarina if she's free on Saturday and if not, then Erica and Carrie. During the week, I'll see Brendan a couple of times. I'll probably see him tomorrow on Monday and definitely on Thursday when he sleeps over. The rest of the week, I'm gonna have work and school and I'll also be working on myself. Practicing being alone and exploring my hobbies and outlets.
I woke up early though to go to the gym and get a workout in. It was worth it! I felt so much better afterward and I can feel the effects already today. My legs feel nice and sore.
The rest of the day I spent inside, waiting to see when Brendan would come over. Most of the time I was either playing Breath of the Wild or practicing ukulele. I watched so much new Steven Universe that morning and then I found a tab sheet page for Here Comes a Thought, so I've been practicing it! It sounds pretty good so far, but I wanna play and sing it at the same time.
Then Brendan came over at around 7 so we watched some Game of Thrones together until going to Kenneth's place at 9. For some reason at the beginning of the night, I wasn't feeling very energetic. To be honest, I didn't feel like I was very present in the night until we started playing Catan. It was a really fun game and I felt like I was able to bond more with Kenneth and Sam over it! They're both really lovely people who are both mature and very fun to be around. Their relationship is very endearing because it's obvious that they both love each other so much. They both show each other so much affection, even around other people. And it's through small things like the stories they tell, the looks they give each other or the small physical touches they have. It made me think that sometimes Adam would not act like that around me and there were moments when I would wonder if he still passionately loved me like that. It made me think that I deserve better, I deserve someone who will give me a relationship like Sam and Kenneth or Tori and Jackson. It was a very nice night.
Funny enough, there were some moments when I would think, "Adam would act like this in this situation" or something like that. I wasn't completely there for some of it, but once we started playing the game, I settled in more and felt more comfortable. I'm not sure what it was about it that made me feel like I was outside of my comfort zone. Maybe it was because I was around people that I still didn't know all that well, even though Brendan was there. Usually, I would think since he's there, I would feel comforted but I guess because we aren't officially dating or anything I kind of felt alone.
This is something that I've been doting on, especially since my stages of grief with the break up is over. I'm trying to find a good balance between all things in my life. I want to spend more time alone because I want to be able to feel comfortable being by myself. At the end of the day, that's all I have: myself! So that even if no one is around to hang out, I can comfortably be okay being alone without having FOMO. However, I'm scared that if I'm by myself too much or if I hang out with Brendan too much, then I'll start feeling depressed; like I need more social interaction somehow. Being with Brendan is really fun, but I'm starting to feel like I wanna hang out with other people other than him during the week. I don't want to fall into the relationship pattern again where I just hang out with one person most of the time and then I start feeling socially dependent on that person.
I think I realized that this morning. So I hit up the Summer Squad group chat and asked if anyone was free to hang out, and now Jay and I are getting lunch later! I've been wanting to hang out with him, Rachel and Emily too so this is nice. I'm also gonna see if I can see some of my friends this weekend too. I'm gonna ask Czarina if she's free on Saturday and if not, then Erica and Carrie. During the week, I'll see Brendan a couple of times. I'll probably see him tomorrow on Monday and definitely on Thursday when he sleeps over. The rest of the week, I'm gonna have work and school and I'll also be working on myself. Practicing being alone and exploring my hobbies and outlets.
Saturday, June 30, 2018
6/30/2018
this week has been a really interesting one...
I spent a lot of time with Brendan and I think our relationship is definitely like a casual romantic relationship?? It's definitely not like a boyfriend/girlfriend type of serious relationship. It's more like we like to hang out with each other, go out to eat, go to Disneyland, kiss and other stuff. And he's really easy to be with and we both find each other really attractive.
Yesterday he slept over after we played a Game of Thrones drinking game, making out, and then sleeping together. It was the first time that I had sex with someone since breaking up with Adam and for the most part, I feel pretty good about it. There was consent to everything and it felt really good and enjoyable. Dr. Bassi told me that I should be able to have sex without feeling any guilt because it's something that I need to satisfy for myself. Or something like that. And the sex was really nice, we both like each other a lot, and it was just fun! I'm trying not to make a big deal about it and I feel like this is kind of opening up a new part of me that's accepting a sexual life without any long-term commitments. I've never been in a casual romantic relationship before and honestly right now it feels really nice. Brendan understands why I don't want a serious relationship after I explained all of it to him, so it's great because we're both on the same page about it! Whether we're exclusive or not hasn't been talked about, but right now I'm not attracted to anyone else.
After sex, we talked for like two hours in bed about random things and deep personal stuff like past relationships and personal growth. I had heard from other people things about Brendan and I wasn't sure what to think of it, so it was good to hear things from his side of the story. In the end, he seems to be aware of mistakes and is trying his best to fix his flaws and grow; which is super mature!
Eventually, we fell asleep but then woke up at 7:30 am. We ended up making out and having sex again, but this time we both came :-) it felt SO nice. And then to make the morning even better, we went out to a cute cafe in Westwood for breakfast! We ate delicious breakfast food, had tea and lovely conversation. I ate a breakfast sandwich that consisted of bacon, avocado, goat cheese, and a fried egg in between a brioche bun. It tasted AMAZING, especially with English Breakfast Tea.
After breakfast, Brendan went to work and we said our goodbyes for the week. I probably won't see him until Thursday because of the holiday.
I spent the rest of the day at home, cleaning my room, doing laundry and going out the Drake Stadium to go for a run. It was the last day of my Fitness Blender workout program, so I ran a mile to check my progress. I went from a 9:20 mile to an 8:24 mile!!!! I was so shocked to see how much I improved! I was worried that I wasn't making any progress because I still felt a little flabby, but seeing how much I improved from the beginning of May was amazing.
I'm going to continue the program again for the rest of the summer to keep up with exercise. I am also debating whether to sign up for a kickboxing class for the summer to find some new hobbies.
I spent the rest of the evening napping, working on homework, looking at food online, and then eating dinner. I'm going to sleep early since I haven't slept much the past two days.
Tomorrow right now all I have on my to do list is to pay bills, do homework, fold laundry, and maybe go for a run. I'm trying to explore what it is that I want to do in my free time. I'm gonna spend some time tomorrow doing some personal exploration exercises to learn about myself more and figure out how to change my lifestyle to make myself the happiest person I can be.
I spent a lot of time with Brendan and I think our relationship is definitely like a casual romantic relationship?? It's definitely not like a boyfriend/girlfriend type of serious relationship. It's more like we like to hang out with each other, go out to eat, go to Disneyland, kiss and other stuff. And he's really easy to be with and we both find each other really attractive.
Yesterday he slept over after we played a Game of Thrones drinking game, making out, and then sleeping together. It was the first time that I had sex with someone since breaking up with Adam and for the most part, I feel pretty good about it. There was consent to everything and it felt really good and enjoyable. Dr. Bassi told me that I should be able to have sex without feeling any guilt because it's something that I need to satisfy for myself. Or something like that. And the sex was really nice, we both like each other a lot, and it was just fun! I'm trying not to make a big deal about it and I feel like this is kind of opening up a new part of me that's accepting a sexual life without any long-term commitments. I've never been in a casual romantic relationship before and honestly right now it feels really nice. Brendan understands why I don't want a serious relationship after I explained all of it to him, so it's great because we're both on the same page about it! Whether we're exclusive or not hasn't been talked about, but right now I'm not attracted to anyone else.
After sex, we talked for like two hours in bed about random things and deep personal stuff like past relationships and personal growth. I had heard from other people things about Brendan and I wasn't sure what to think of it, so it was good to hear things from his side of the story. In the end, he seems to be aware of mistakes and is trying his best to fix his flaws and grow; which is super mature!
Eventually, we fell asleep but then woke up at 7:30 am. We ended up making out and having sex again, but this time we both came :-) it felt SO nice. And then to make the morning even better, we went out to a cute cafe in Westwood for breakfast! We ate delicious breakfast food, had tea and lovely conversation. I ate a breakfast sandwich that consisted of bacon, avocado, goat cheese, and a fried egg in between a brioche bun. It tasted AMAZING, especially with English Breakfast Tea.
After breakfast, Brendan went to work and we said our goodbyes for the week. I probably won't see him until Thursday because of the holiday.
I spent the rest of the day at home, cleaning my room, doing laundry and going out the Drake Stadium to go for a run. It was the last day of my Fitness Blender workout program, so I ran a mile to check my progress. I went from a 9:20 mile to an 8:24 mile!!!! I was so shocked to see how much I improved! I was worried that I wasn't making any progress because I still felt a little flabby, but seeing how much I improved from the beginning of May was amazing.
I'm going to continue the program again for the rest of the summer to keep up with exercise. I am also debating whether to sign up for a kickboxing class for the summer to find some new hobbies.
I spent the rest of the evening napping, working on homework, looking at food online, and then eating dinner. I'm going to sleep early since I haven't slept much the past two days.
Tomorrow right now all I have on my to do list is to pay bills, do homework, fold laundry, and maybe go for a run. I'm trying to explore what it is that I want to do in my free time. I'm gonna spend some time tomorrow doing some personal exploration exercises to learn about myself more and figure out how to change my lifestyle to make myself the happiest person I can be.
Monday, June 11, 2018
6/11/18
my mind is definitely trying to fill the void that adam left. there are many things like the physical intimacy and emotional intimacy and me wanting to reach out to flavious is a form of trying to fill that void. i don't think i'm ready to start dating again. i'm not sure how to feel about a lot of things; flav rejecting me because of my age did hurt of course, but not so much that i'm devastated. i think i'm hurt because i wanted someone to distract me from the feelings of the break up. i find him really attractive but didn't really connect on an emotional level that much. that could be just because we had only seen each other with other people around, but either way something tells me it wasn't really right. but the fact remains that i liked it that he was interested in me and i'm interested in him so now that it's ended, i'm back to focusing on other things. the break up. being alone. i want love and romance and to be with someone who will make me feel the way adam did, hopefully even more. it's kind of consumed me and is what i think about when i'm laying in bed or just waking up.
this is why i think it's good for me to take some time for myself. refocus my energy into me and not be so hung up about wanting to be romantically loved again. it's not the only thing in my life and i really really need to take some time to remind myself of that.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
5/13/2018
A GUY.
A super attractive, tall, sexy, funny, smart guy has been talking to me for the past week. Gaahhahhhhhh!
We met last week at send, he's an alumnus who graduated in 2016. He's 24 and works in SF as a financial analyst and is just really...cool... kind of dorky and bro-y but cool!!
He's best friends with one of the other alumni who I've known since the beginning of the school year. I remember hearing his voice while his friend was on the phone with him in his car and i said hi but that was it but at send I put the face to the name and boy.. he is CUTE. At first, that's all I noticed about him but then during a break before the panel, he started talking to me and asking about my major. We made intense eye contact, but I didn't really know what was going on. And then he kept talking to me and being pretty flirtatious. He was on the panel as one of the alumni and was really impressive. Afterward, he kept being flirty and during dinner said "How's our first date going? Am i doing a good job?" AHAH.
We talked some more to each other and I learned that he's really into MCU movies too and is an introverted person who'd rather stay at home and watch a movie.
That Sunday, I followed him on instagram and he followed me back and messaged me that night. We've been talking through DM's for the past week ANNDDDD yeah its fun :--)))))
I really wanna get to spend some more time with him in person and get to know him more and according to him, he might be moving back to la soon!!! SO WE'LL SEE HOW THIS GOES HAHA THIS IS FUN HE'S CUTE LIKE REALLY FUCKING CUTE WITH A REALLY NICE BODY LMAOLMAOLMAO
A super attractive, tall, sexy, funny, smart guy has been talking to me for the past week. Gaahhahhhhhh!
We met last week at send, he's an alumnus who graduated in 2016. He's 24 and works in SF as a financial analyst and is just really...cool... kind of dorky and bro-y but cool!!
He's best friends with one of the other alumni who I've known since the beginning of the school year. I remember hearing his voice while his friend was on the phone with him in his car and i said hi but that was it but at send I put the face to the name and boy.. he is CUTE. At first, that's all I noticed about him but then during a break before the panel, he started talking to me and asking about my major. We made intense eye contact, but I didn't really know what was going on. And then he kept talking to me and being pretty flirtatious. He was on the panel as one of the alumni and was really impressive. Afterward, he kept being flirty and during dinner said "How's our first date going? Am i doing a good job?" AHAH.
We talked some more to each other and I learned that he's really into MCU movies too and is an introverted person who'd rather stay at home and watch a movie.
That Sunday, I followed him on instagram and he followed me back and messaged me that night. We've been talking through DM's for the past week ANNDDDD yeah its fun :--)))))
I really wanna get to spend some more time with him in person and get to know him more and according to him, he might be moving back to la soon!!! SO WE'LL SEE HOW THIS GOES HAHA THIS IS FUN HE'S CUTE LIKE REALLY FUCKING CUTE WITH A REALLY NICE BODY LMAOLMAOLMAO
Sunday, May 6, 2018
5/7/2018
Dear Adam,
It has been 6 days since we broke up and 5 days since I last talked to you.
I have been able to move on with my life easier than I thought, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting from the break up. Most of the day, I can do it. I can be with my family, laugh with my friends, study, go to class, go to work. But there are also bad moments where I want to crawl into bed and never get up.
But these moments are important. I need to have these sad, bad moments because I'm grieving the loss of something very special that we had. Our relationship was something so big in our lives. So much growth came out of it and I was so so so convinced that you were The One. My soulmate. The man that I would marry. But as life had it, it wasn't that simple.
I'm still not sure why (and who knows if I'll ever be), but your feelings faded away again, similar to how they did last year. We were feeling the emotional distance and it was hurting us. I wanted to push forward despite this and find a way to get our passion back, even if it meant we had to fake it or go through a bad phase. But instead, you reflected on these feelings and realized that you couldn't give me what I wanted and that your romantic feelings for me had faded away.
I have been struggling and hurting over your reasoning, but day by day I'm slowly accepting it. I figure it's because your life is changing and maybe it is causing you inner turmoil trying to decide how I fit into it. Maybe it's some issue within yourself and committing to someone long term. Either way, there's something about it that makes it so we really aren't a good fit for each other, deep deep inside. People can't change that quickly, even if last year I thought you had. There were warning signs out there, from the multiple times we almost broke up because of your feelings and the time we actually did. This break up may have saved us from something worse down the line.
That doesn't mean that the time we spent together was useless. The years I spent with you were some of the most formative and maturing in my life. I am who I am today because of all of the emotional support and growth you provided for me. Not only that, but I have discovered so many new things to enjoy and love because of you and your encouragement! Certain video games, tv shows, and playing the ukulele just to name a few. So many good things in my life came from you and I don't resent you at all.
There are times when I go to a bad place that I get frustrated at you. Frustrated that you couldn't just wait until you came back home to really analyze our relationship. Frustrated that you gave up on us rather than trying to fix it. But I can't change your feelings. That is something that is beyond my control. We did everything that we could to make our relationship work, but there are just some things that can't be changed.
This is for the best. We will both grow from this and find out more about ourselves. But I don't want to lose you. And I know you don't want to lose me. Even though it hurts right now, we will definitely still be a part of each other's lives. And who knows whether that's as close friends or something more?
In the end, I'm so happy to have met you. I miss you like crazy, but what can you do? When we meet again in August, I wonder how we will feel and how we will change.
Until then, please be as happy as you can be. Don't make bad decisions. Be honest with me about anything that needs to be said. Grow and find yourself as much as you can.
I love you.
It has been 6 days since we broke up and 5 days since I last talked to you.
I have been able to move on with my life easier than I thought, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting from the break up. Most of the day, I can do it. I can be with my family, laugh with my friends, study, go to class, go to work. But there are also bad moments where I want to crawl into bed and never get up.
But these moments are important. I need to have these sad, bad moments because I'm grieving the loss of something very special that we had. Our relationship was something so big in our lives. So much growth came out of it and I was so so so convinced that you were The One. My soulmate. The man that I would marry. But as life had it, it wasn't that simple.
I'm still not sure why (and who knows if I'll ever be), but your feelings faded away again, similar to how they did last year. We were feeling the emotional distance and it was hurting us. I wanted to push forward despite this and find a way to get our passion back, even if it meant we had to fake it or go through a bad phase. But instead, you reflected on these feelings and realized that you couldn't give me what I wanted and that your romantic feelings for me had faded away.
I have been struggling and hurting over your reasoning, but day by day I'm slowly accepting it. I figure it's because your life is changing and maybe it is causing you inner turmoil trying to decide how I fit into it. Maybe it's some issue within yourself and committing to someone long term. Either way, there's something about it that makes it so we really aren't a good fit for each other, deep deep inside. People can't change that quickly, even if last year I thought you had. There were warning signs out there, from the multiple times we almost broke up because of your feelings and the time we actually did. This break up may have saved us from something worse down the line.
That doesn't mean that the time we spent together was useless. The years I spent with you were some of the most formative and maturing in my life. I am who I am today because of all of the emotional support and growth you provided for me. Not only that, but I have discovered so many new things to enjoy and love because of you and your encouragement! Certain video games, tv shows, and playing the ukulele just to name a few. So many good things in my life came from you and I don't resent you at all.
There are times when I go to a bad place that I get frustrated at you. Frustrated that you couldn't just wait until you came back home to really analyze our relationship. Frustrated that you gave up on us rather than trying to fix it. But I can't change your feelings. That is something that is beyond my control. We did everything that we could to make our relationship work, but there are just some things that can't be changed.
This is for the best. We will both grow from this and find out more about ourselves. But I don't want to lose you. And I know you don't want to lose me. Even though it hurts right now, we will definitely still be a part of each other's lives. And who knows whether that's as close friends or something more?
In the end, I'm so happy to have met you. I miss you like crazy, but what can you do? When we meet again in August, I wonder how we will feel and how we will change.
Until then, please be as happy as you can be. Don't make bad decisions. Be honest with me about anything that needs to be said. Grow and find yourself as much as you can.
I love you.
Saturday, April 28, 2018
4/28/2018
Adam and I had a long talk today about a problem we've been having in our relationship. The last few calls that we've had, it feels like we've been emotionally distant, and part of that has to do with the fact that because of the distance, we're not involved in each other's lives. It's become totally separated, and we talked about whether that's been happening in the past and if it'll happen when he comes back. It led us to talk about how we're not involved enough in each other's social lives.
Anyways, for the time being, I suggested that we try to talk more candidly about each other's days rather than glazing over what basically happened. He said he wasn't sure about if it'll work or not, but its not like he has any other ideas. We ended up talking for a couple hours about it, but he says he still wants to talk about it. I'm not sure what else we can talk about, but I guess it's important that we do.
Afterwards, I came down to eat and 50 First Dates was playing on the TV. I really love that movie, its kind of silly but it's set in Hawaii and the premise is really sweet, so I love watching it.
Tomorrow I'm gonna try to tell Adam all the things that happened during my day since our last call and he'll do the same and we'll see how we feel about it. It's really tricky trying to figure out what we can do to make our conversations deeper and more emotionally intimate given the long distance. I hope we can come up with a permanent solution.
Anyways, for the time being, I suggested that we try to talk more candidly about each other's days rather than glazing over what basically happened. He said he wasn't sure about if it'll work or not, but its not like he has any other ideas. We ended up talking for a couple hours about it, but he says he still wants to talk about it. I'm not sure what else we can talk about, but I guess it's important that we do.
Afterwards, I came down to eat and 50 First Dates was playing on the TV. I really love that movie, its kind of silly but it's set in Hawaii and the premise is really sweet, so I love watching it.
Tomorrow I'm gonna try to tell Adam all the things that happened during my day since our last call and he'll do the same and we'll see how we feel about it. It's really tricky trying to figure out what we can do to make our conversations deeper and more emotionally intimate given the long distance. I hope we can come up with a permanent solution.
Monday, March 5, 2018
3/3/2018 and 3/4/2018
This weekend was so nice!!!
3/3/2018:
3/3/2018:
- CAME HOME
- Saw me mum dad and brothers
- SAW NINA
- Bought me a really nice dress and lipsticks
- walking around w nina at the mall being goofs
- Bonello's afterwards
- Relaxing in her room watching school of rock and james corden bits and doing some work in between
3/4/2018:
- Visiting seafood city again
- Eating kare kare and sinigang at tita celia's!!!!
- Filipino food in general always makes me so happy
- Relaxing in the cozy blanket mom got me
- Calls w adam for both days of course!!!
Sunday, February 25, 2018
2/24/2018 HIGHLIGHTS
- The fact that I had an R&R day to rest my mind and body
- Civ VI new game as Scythia
- Eating Tocino flavored spam
- BAKING a flourless chocolate cake!
- Getting to sit down and watch some anime
- Terror in Resonance
- Tsuki ga Rei
- Ordering a CPK Thai chicken pizza thin crust
- Call with Adam
- Talking about Pokemon for like 15 minutes
- Playing our new game of Civ VI together~
- ONE MORE MONTH LEFT
Saturday, February 24, 2018
2/23/2018 HIGHLIGHTS
Switching back to my notebook journaling, so I wanna use this to put highlights of every day that I can to remind myself of the good times I have.
Yesterday...
Yesterday...
- Got back my mechanics midterm and scored a 100!!!!!!!
- Ate a delicious salad that I made at Greenhouse
- Kapalympics :-)
- Seeing Chris again after SO long
- Veggie hot dogs with Aioli sauce
- Jalapeno and artichoke dip
- Ultimate frisbee
- The pictures of Marc with his mustache......
- Getting snacks and Arizona tea from Markee after he dropped me off at my apartment
- Getting a message back from Nathan about the Cornelius tour... still wild to me tbh
- My call with Adam AS ALWAYS
- Started a new Civ game
- Lots of silly banter about fighting over land since our countries were put right next to each other
Monday, November 13, 2017
11/13/2017
So i got my statics midterm back today and I got an 84.3%. Normally I'd be okay with it, but since there's only a midterm and a final, it'll be more difficult to get an A. BUT at the same time, I should not be setting a 4.0 as my expectations! It'll be a lot harder to get at UCLA... So right now all I can do is to continue doing the best that I can and be happy if I don't get an A. I'm trying to aim for at least a 3.0, so I have to do what I can.
Monday, October 2, 2017
10/2/2017
Morning:
Got up suuuper early. Woke up at 6 am to talk to Adam for half an hour, nice call as always! I asked him if he thought Chikako from Terrace House was hot and he got really uncomfortable LOL. He's so sweet. We also talked about the Las Vegas shootings a bit and how terrifying it was.
Then I got ready for my 8 am with Audrey. The class seems like it will be a lot of work, but not TOO hard. I'm glad that I have a background already in programming to help. The professor is young and seems like a really kind dude. No exams at all, but a lot of homework! Afterwards, I went to Cristina's office to do some studying since it's quiet there. I got to see Cristina again!!! She wasn't as excited as I was to see each other again, but she was definitely happy about it. I also got to see Jenny and chat for a bit. It was kind of weird being there though since I'm not working in their lab anymore. They say that I can study if there's ever desk space, but at the same time I feel kind of out of place there. I'm still on the lookout for other study nooks.
Daytime:
I got lunch with my mentorSEAS group, it was overall a good time. It's still kind of weird that they're all younger than me, but they're really nice for the most part. To be honest, I haven't super duper clicked with any of them, but I definitely do not mind being friends. Also, it was nice getting treated to lunch.
Afternoon:
I had my Statics class at 4pm, and it went well for the most part. The instructor seems intense, but at the same time a good professor. I'm super glad that Audrey is in the class with me, because most of the other students seem younger. The material so far is stuff I've already learned, so I'm feeling good! Now I'm just trying to make sure that I'll be keeping up with all of my classes. I'm kind of nervous, but I also have confidence that I'll be fine.
Got up suuuper early. Woke up at 6 am to talk to Adam for half an hour, nice call as always! I asked him if he thought Chikako from Terrace House was hot and he got really uncomfortable LOL. He's so sweet. We also talked about the Las Vegas shootings a bit and how terrifying it was.
Then I got ready for my 8 am with Audrey. The class seems like it will be a lot of work, but not TOO hard. I'm glad that I have a background already in programming to help. The professor is young and seems like a really kind dude. No exams at all, but a lot of homework! Afterwards, I went to Cristina's office to do some studying since it's quiet there. I got to see Cristina again!!! She wasn't as excited as I was to see each other again, but she was definitely happy about it. I also got to see Jenny and chat for a bit. It was kind of weird being there though since I'm not working in their lab anymore. They say that I can study if there's ever desk space, but at the same time I feel kind of out of place there. I'm still on the lookout for other study nooks.
Daytime:
I got lunch with my mentorSEAS group, it was overall a good time. It's still kind of weird that they're all younger than me, but they're really nice for the most part. To be honest, I haven't super duper clicked with any of them, but I definitely do not mind being friends. Also, it was nice getting treated to lunch.
Afternoon:
I had my Statics class at 4pm, and it went well for the most part. The instructor seems intense, but at the same time a good professor. I'm super glad that Audrey is in the class with me, because most of the other students seem younger. The material so far is stuff I've already learned, so I'm feeling good! Now I'm just trying to make sure that I'll be keeping up with all of my classes. I'm kind of nervous, but I also have confidence that I'll be fine.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
9/26/2017
Third day at the new apartment! I had frosted shredded wheat cereal for breakfast, no tea. I spoke with Tiffany some more during breakfast. She had bug bites on her right shoulder and I told her it might be bug bites. Later that day, she told me she saw one and that the doctor confirmed it. Yikes!!! The girls are saying there's a potential lawsuit in that, but I think that Tiffany brought them since she didn't wash her sheets before using them...
The bulk of the day was spent on campus. The Enormous Activities Fair was going on from 11am - 3pm, so I went with Audrey. The first thing we did was get in line to get a free Passion Planner. Super quick and I have a brand new one now for the school year! The rest of the time was spent checking out certain booths. I signed up for ASCE, PTSP, SWE, and the taiko club on campus. I wanted to see some other different types of clubs like a ukulele club or UCLA Radio, but there was so many people in all of the aisles and tons of flyers being shoved in my face... It was also super hot so we just decided to leave. Audrey took me to the Student Activities Center and we found the free food pantry! The milk I bought at Ralph's is expiring today, so I decided to get some milk. We went around the book store before Audrey got picked up.
Afterwards, I met with Rebecca again and we got some lunch at Rubio's and got to know each other better! I found out that she moved around a lot as a kid since her parents were missionaries and that she has a boyfriend who goes to Biola. We walked back to the Fair to the student resources section to get some free toothpaste. When we got there, I saw Christina K!! We talked a bit and asked her how her and her boyfriend was; turns out they broke up. She seems pretty fine though lol. It was really nice to see her and I told her to let me know if events are happening and if she wants to hang out!
At 2pm, I walked Rebecca back to the Ashe center and then headed home. I stayed in the apartment for the rest of the day watching Terrace House and Age of Youth 2. Around 7:30, Adam called while I was making dinner and we got to video chat. He wasn't very talkative, but it was probably because not much happened since we talked last and he was tired. We're gonna talk some more when I wake up and before he goes to sleep. Less than 93 days left~
Monday, January 9, 2017
1/9/17
I felt quite productive for the first half of today:
started my bujo sort of, made it through work without watching any videos, got gas, outlined my textbook.
During the day I kind of thirsted for more attention because posibabe was answering questions from a post and Jess also got a lot of likes for that same post. I tweeted that pic too because I wanted to see how many people wanted to know my opinion of them and... I took it down after an hour because no one liked it. Then I posted a pic of my notes on my studyblr and so for it's only gotten 4 notes. I felt lame after that, but I can't! It doesn't matter if I don't get a lot of likes on social media because that stuff is superficial.
Anyways, I think I might have felt attention-seeking too because I got bored from studying. I'm still recovering from vacation mode and interacting with people all day. It's important to get time to myself.
On the brighter side, all my close friends talked to me today, I helped Erica with chemistry, and I had a really nice call with Adam tonight! Tomorrow I'll definitely make way more progress on my bullet journal and textbook outline.
started my bujo sort of, made it through work without watching any videos, got gas, outlined my textbook.
During the day I kind of thirsted for more attention because posibabe was answering questions from a post and Jess also got a lot of likes for that same post. I tweeted that pic too because I wanted to see how many people wanted to know my opinion of them and... I took it down after an hour because no one liked it. Then I posted a pic of my notes on my studyblr and so for it's only gotten 4 notes. I felt lame after that, but I can't! It doesn't matter if I don't get a lot of likes on social media because that stuff is superficial.
Anyways, I think I might have felt attention-seeking too because I got bored from studying. I'm still recovering from vacation mode and interacting with people all day. It's important to get time to myself.
On the brighter side, all my close friends talked to me today, I helped Erica with chemistry, and I had a really nice call with Adam tonight! Tomorrow I'll definitely make way more progress on my bullet journal and textbook outline.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
1/8/17
Today was the first day after Adam left back for UCLA. It wasn't bad, but I missed him of course. I really want to be hugged by him right now. Definitely seeing him on Saturday, maybe even on Friday! Counting down the days. However, I can definitely see that I am feeling stronger than when he first left for UCLA and even stronger than when he left for Japan. I miss him, but he'll be back and I can still communicate to him~.
Didn't hang out with anyone today because everyone moved back to Uni, so I spent part of my day cleaning up my room and doing laundry. I also loafed around reading PULL because I found a REALLY entertaining thread about a racist, fatphobic weeb.
In the afternoon, my whole family went to visit a woman and her two kids who my mom helped nurse when they were born. It was really cute meeting someone who is so grateful to my mom for what she does. Her name is Maria and her kids are six and two and were sweeties! They live in a small house, but it was cozy and just enough. Maria seemed nervous about our visit and kept making sure everyone was comfortable. It was so sweet of her! She made us homemade lasagna for dinner too. She was fun to talk to and told me a lot about Ecuador and now I want to visit! They also had a super adorable German shepherd named Mercy who I played with for a good 15 minutes~. It was a pleasant visit.
When I got home, I pampered myself up. I took a shower, gave myself a hair treatment, put on eye masks, and used a biore nose strip. I felt amazing! I also started to prep myself for history this week; I reviewed my notes and I'm gonna read my textbook after I'm done with this post. I'm also hoping for a call tonight with Adam because I really want to hear his voice right now...
Pics from today:
Didn't hang out with anyone today because everyone moved back to Uni, so I spent part of my day cleaning up my room and doing laundry. I also loafed around reading PULL because I found a REALLY entertaining thread about a racist, fatphobic weeb.
In the afternoon, my whole family went to visit a woman and her two kids who my mom helped nurse when they were born. It was really cute meeting someone who is so grateful to my mom for what she does. Her name is Maria and her kids are six and two and were sweeties! They live in a small house, but it was cozy and just enough. Maria seemed nervous about our visit and kept making sure everyone was comfortable. It was so sweet of her! She made us homemade lasagna for dinner too. She was fun to talk to and told me a lot about Ecuador and now I want to visit! They also had a super adorable German shepherd named Mercy who I played with for a good 15 minutes~. It was a pleasant visit.
When I got home, I pampered myself up. I took a shower, gave myself a hair treatment, put on eye masks, and used a biore nose strip. I felt amazing! I also started to prep myself for history this week; I reviewed my notes and I'm gonna read my textbook after I'm done with this post. I'm also hoping for a call tonight with Adam because I really want to hear his voice right now...
Pics from today:
Saturday, November 19, 2016
11/19/16
I got a new laptop! It's so beautiful and new! It's my birthday and Christmas present from my parents and I love it so much. It's heaviness is the only downside, but I don't mind. Civilization 6 looks so amazing on it.
Today was a date day with Adam and it was lovely as always. We did a BUNCH of canoodling in the morning. I got there at 8:15 am because he told me to be at his house as early as I want. I rung the doorbell and knocked twenty times before he opened the door, but it turns out he was waiting for me since 7:55 am but couldn't hear the doorbells and knocking from his room! He gave lots of love and hugs; it was so nice~ We napped, ate at Islands, played Civ, canoodled some more, went to a music concert for my class, got Scardino's, finished Stranger Things, and watched half of Jiro Dreams of Sushi. It was a lovely amazing day that went by way too fast, as usual~ The next time I'm seeing him is maybe Wednesday, definitely Friday. I always think for a little how lucky I am to have these days with him right now because when he goes to Japan for a year, it'll be so much harder. But, my therapist told me stop thinking about the future so much and enjoy the present. She's right, of course. I'm having an amazing time with Adam and I'm grateful for every second. I still think about the possibility of Jill have feelings for him at some point because of all that I know, but in the end, he's chosen to be with me, stay with me and not her.
Tomorrow I have a lot of work to do, including a LOT of physics study and finding time for my research paper and personal statements. It won't be easy, but I have to keep going to fulfill my goals! I'll try my best to stay as motivated as possible.
Today was a date day with Adam and it was lovely as always. We did a BUNCH of canoodling in the morning. I got there at 8:15 am because he told me to be at his house as early as I want. I rung the doorbell and knocked twenty times before he opened the door, but it turns out he was waiting for me since 7:55 am but couldn't hear the doorbells and knocking from his room! He gave lots of love and hugs; it was so nice~ We napped, ate at Islands, played Civ, canoodled some more, went to a music concert for my class, got Scardino's, finished Stranger Things, and watched half of Jiro Dreams of Sushi. It was a lovely amazing day that went by way too fast, as usual~ The next time I'm seeing him is maybe Wednesday, definitely Friday. I always think for a little how lucky I am to have these days with him right now because when he goes to Japan for a year, it'll be so much harder. But, my therapist told me stop thinking about the future so much and enjoy the present. She's right, of course. I'm having an amazing time with Adam and I'm grateful for every second. I still think about the possibility of Jill have feelings for him at some point because of all that I know, but in the end, he's chosen to be with me, stay with me and not her.
Tomorrow I have a lot of work to do, including a LOT of physics study and finding time for my research paper and personal statements. It won't be easy, but I have to keep going to fulfill my goals! I'll try my best to stay as motivated as possible.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
11/13/16
Sundays are usually cranky days but today I felt bad for being cranky. My mom's like me and is sensitive, so when she asked me if I wanted to go to mall with her and I asked her how long it would take and joked with my dad that she takes a long time shopping, she snapped and got upset and told us that if we didn't want to go with her then we should just say that. I felt really guilty afterwards, and started crying when she came home and apologized a million times, but she already was over it so everything ended well. I want to control my irritation and hostility because mama does not deserve it.
Other than that, I went to church and had soondubu with family and did school work and chores for the rest of the day. I started looking at my sources for my research paper and studied for my math exam tomorrow. I'm trying to find a balance with my study habits to prevent me burning out and feeling exhausted again... Two honors courses are taking more out of me than I expected! I figured that some days I would leave home later when I really need to stay in bed and rest, which is always okay. Overworking is never good for my motivation.
My birthday is coming up and here are some rough plans I have in my head:
Friday (my actual birthday):
Other than that, I went to church and had soondubu with family and did school work and chores for the rest of the day. I started looking at my sources for my research paper and studied for my math exam tomorrow. I'm trying to find a balance with my study habits to prevent me burning out and feeling exhausted again... Two honors courses are taking more out of me than I expected! I figured that some days I would leave home later when I really need to stay in bed and rest, which is always okay. Overworking is never good for my motivation.
My birthday is coming up and here are some rough plans I have in my head:
Friday (my actual birthday):
- Day time - celebrate with carrie, erica, erin, nina, audrey/whoever else can come to a tea place. Rides might be an issue, erica and carrie are the only ones with cars who can drive the freeway, but they both have five seaters only. But leaving out people would suck! Maybe somewhere closer for lunch instead. Afterwards, black Friday shopping?
- Night time - Dinner somewhere with family + Adam. Restaurant limited b/c of what the price may be. Sushi is expensive, CPK was last year, Lucille's maybe? After dinner, go to Adam's and relax.
Saturday:
- Basically my birthday celebration with Adam. Nothing fancy obviously; there will be at least candles and a couple bath and some sweet lovin'. Maybe a date to the botanical gardens too? Somewhere nice to eat. Civ 6 probably too! We'll see what happens~
Saturday, November 12, 2016
11/12/16: Venting Thoughts
So I've decided to use this platform to vent out all my really negative feelings in my life; specifically regarding any jealous feelings in my relationship. I really want to become a cool girlfriend who won't be bothered when my boyfriend does other things or talks to other people, but it's a innate habit of mine to be skeptical or jealous, and I'm trying very hard right now to make it stop. The problem is, it'll become an issue if I tell Adam every single time I get jealous because he'll feel like I'm restraining him, when I actually don't mean to. So venting out my feelings on here and to other people along with regular meditation would help.
For today, I felt crazy towards the end of the night because I kept thinking about a girl named Lillian who commented on my photo I posted of me and Adam. It's still bothering me a little that she casually commented on my photo like she's a close friend of Adam's or something, when she's definitely not. I can tell she's not important to him, so it bothers me that she's acting like she is. I've seen her message him every now and then, but she doesn't message him every single day or he tries to talk her to have a conversation. I hope. UGH! She probably means nothing to him. I hope she realizes that. I hate these negative feelings so much. I just have to get it out and then remember:
Adam loves me.
I'm one of the most important people in his life.
Our relationship is intimate and special in another level that he doesn't have with anyone else.
He would not flirt with anyone behind my back or let anyone flirt with him.
Don't overthink things. Don't ruin things.
For today, I felt crazy towards the end of the night because I kept thinking about a girl named Lillian who commented on my photo I posted of me and Adam. It's still bothering me a little that she casually commented on my photo like she's a close friend of Adam's or something, when she's definitely not. I can tell she's not important to him, so it bothers me that she's acting like she is. I've seen her message him every now and then, but she doesn't message him every single day or he tries to talk her to have a conversation. I hope. UGH! She probably means nothing to him. I hope she realizes that. I hate these negative feelings so much. I just have to get it out and then remember:
Adam loves me.
I'm one of the most important people in his life.
Our relationship is intimate and special in another level that he doesn't have with anyone else.
He would not flirt with anyone behind my back or let anyone flirt with him.
Don't overthink things. Don't ruin things.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
11/9/16: lol
I'm so annoyed at myself right now lol. It's been almost two months since Adam's been at UCLA but I still get jealous and a little bitter whenever he goes out to drink. I was feeling a little upset tonight because he was going to a wine and cheese club. I told him I thought it would be fun but now I'm feeling... negative about it. I'm still thinking of scenarios of him meeting some new people who might pull him away from me or meeting girls who might flirt with him. It still makes me feel so weird thinking about him drink so often. I don't know why still though? I honestly don't care if my friends drink alcohol or if nina smokes weed, so why am i so bothered every time I think of Adam drinking? I think I feel so... possessive over him. I'm still uncomfortable with strangers (to me) seeing sides of him that only I saw. I feel bad now for being short with him during our call but he's too busy with other people now.
I hate these feelings I'm getting because they're so unhealthy. It's not good for either of us when I'm petty like this. I'm really trying to stop being possessive and jealous. It's still a habit of emotions for me though and sometimes it gets out of hand. I do trust him and know that he wouldn't betray that trust. I'm just still trying to keep myself together... I feel like such a mess right now. I told him that I wasn't bothered even though I was short with him and I WAS bothered. I didn't want him to know... I will just text him I guess and hope for the best that he won't make it a big deal.
I hate these feelings I'm getting because they're so unhealthy. It's not good for either of us when I'm petty like this. I'm really trying to stop being possessive and jealous. It's still a habit of emotions for me though and sometimes it gets out of hand. I do trust him and know that he wouldn't betray that trust. I'm just still trying to keep myself together... I feel like such a mess right now. I told him that I wasn't bothered even though I was short with him and I WAS bothered. I didn't want him to know... I will just text him I guess and hope for the best that he won't make it a big deal.
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