7/8/2018

Yesterday I spent most of the day in my apartment because it was way too hot to go outside.
I woke up early though to go to the gym and get a workout in. It was worth it! I felt so much better afterward and I can feel the effects already today. My legs feel nice and sore.
The rest of the day I spent inside, waiting to see when Brendan would come over. Most of the time I was either playing Breath of the Wild or practicing ukulele. I watched so much new Steven Universe that morning and then I found a tab sheet page for Here Comes a Thought, so I've been practicing it! It sounds pretty good so far, but I wanna play and sing it at the same time.
Then Brendan came over at around 7 so we watched some Game of Thrones together until going to Kenneth's place at 9. For some reason at the beginning of the night, I wasn't feeling very energetic. To be honest, I didn't feel like I was very present in the night until we started playing Catan. It was a really fun game and I felt like I was able to bond more with Kenneth and Sam over it! They're both really lovely people who are both mature and very fun to be around. Their relationship is very endearing because it's obvious that they both love each other so much. They both show each other so much affection, even around other people. And it's through small things like the stories they tell, the looks they give each other or the small physical touches they have. It made me think that sometimes Adam would not act like that around me and there were moments when I would wonder if he still passionately loved me like that. It made me think that I deserve better, I deserve someone who will give me a relationship like Sam and Kenneth or Tori and Jackson. It was a very nice night.

Funny enough, there were some moments when I would think, "Adam would act like this in this situation" or something like that. I wasn't completely there for some of it, but once we started playing the game, I settled in more and felt more comfortable. I'm not sure what it was about it that made me feel like I was outside of my comfort zone. Maybe it was because I was around people that I still didn't know all that well, even though Brendan was there. Usually, I would think since he's there, I would feel comforted but I guess because we aren't officially dating or anything I kind of felt alone.

This is something that I've been doting on, especially since my stages of grief with the break up is over. I'm trying to find a good balance between all things in my life. I want to spend more time alone because I want to be able to feel comfortable being by myself. At the end of the day, that's all I have: myself! So that even if no one is around to hang out, I can comfortably be okay being alone without having FOMO. However, I'm scared that if I'm by myself too much or if I hang out with Brendan too much, then I'll start feeling depressed; like I need more social interaction somehow. Being with Brendan is really fun, but I'm starting to feel like I wanna hang out with other people other than him during the week. I don't want to fall into the relationship pattern again where I just hang out with one person most of the time and then I start feeling socially dependent on that person.
I think I realized that this morning. So I hit up the Summer Squad group chat and asked if anyone was free to hang out, and now Jay and I are getting lunch later! I've been wanting to hang out with him, Rachel and Emily too so this is nice. I'm also gonna see if I can see some of my friends this weekend too. I'm gonna ask Czarina if she's free on Saturday and if not, then Erica and Carrie. During the week, I'll see Brendan a couple of times. I'll probably see him tomorrow on Monday and definitely on Thursday when he sleeps over. The rest of the week, I'm gonna have work and school and I'll also be working on myself. Practicing being alone and exploring my hobbies and outlets.