6/11/18

my mind is definitely trying to fill the void that adam left. there are many things like the physical intimacy and emotional intimacy and me wanting to reach out to flavious is a form of trying to fill that void. i don't think i'm ready to start dating again. i'm not sure how to feel about a lot of things; flav rejecting me because of my age did hurt of course, but not so much that i'm devastated. i think i'm hurt because i wanted someone to distract me from the feelings of the break up. i find him really attractive but didn't really connect on an emotional level that much. that could be just because we had only seen each other with other people around, but either way something tells me it wasn't really right. but the fact remains that i liked it that he was interested in me and i'm interested in him so now that it's ended, i'm back to focusing on other things. the break up. being alone. i want love and romance and to be with someone who will make me feel the way adam did, hopefully even more. it's kind of consumed me and is what i think about when i'm laying in bed or just waking up. 

this is why i think it's good for me to take some time for myself. refocus my energy into me and not be so hung up about wanting to be romantically loved again. it's not the only thing in my life and i really really need to take some time to remind myself of that.