6/10/2018

so many things happened this weekend... and i feel like i need to get my feelings out there just so i can express them and get them off my chest
i keep thinking about flav still and whatever that was. honestly, i'm not sure how strong my feelings are for him because on a surface level, i dont see us that long term and im also trying not to get into anything too serious right now especially after that break up
but at the same i'm like i want to see him again and do stuff lolllll and i feel like that's because i really like the attention and i think he's attractive too which probably isn't the healthiest reason to want to see him again especially since he said himself that we're just friends or something along the lines of that the next time we're seeing each other is just to hang out and that's it which is fine honestly lol
because he's right about the too far thing but the age difference really bothers him for some reason so that's on him
but i just went to brunch with andrew acedo and honestly based on all the things i've heard him say about flav plus the interactions i've had with him, we maybe wouldn't have worked out in the long term???
he has a very possessive and immature ex girlfriend who would've started drama and stuff if we ever became a thing, and he seems kind of close minded, which could be shown by the whole age shenanigans. buttttt its ok, i'm not too cut up by it; i'm happy to have just met someone attractive who was interested in me and have some fun with him.
it would've been nice to just have gone on a few dates with him and have some ""fun"" but it seemed like all he wanted was for us to hang out. but it's pretty obvious that he was interested in me because of the flirting and the fact that after the thor movie we were doin stuff lmaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooo
but who knows!!! I think based on what's been happening and the talks i've had, i want to focus on myself more. date myself and develop and grow who i am as a person. i'm interested in a love that comes naturally and passionately and i feel like i can't actively seek that out. i want to work on myself more and not be so obsessed with being with a guy. i want to focus on my studies, growing my passion and knowledge for the environment, become a better baker, try new things and meet new people. whoever is the next love of my life will come out of me seeking this love for myself. of course it would be cool to date around a little bit, especially since it's been a long time since i've had sex, but i'm not sure how soon i wanna do that. i was considering downloading tinder once summer school started so i could get that off, but i'm not totally sure if i'm ready for that yet.
but i definitely want to shift my focus from guys to myself. i'll always always be open to love and flirting, but i want to make my priority myself. that's how i'm going to move forward for the rest of this year and hopefully good things happen!