tonight a culmination of emotions came spilling out. i still miss adam. so. much. it still hurts after three months, even after not talking to him. why now? i feel like part of it is because of the shit with brendan. while it was really nice while it lasted, the way it ended and other parts of him made me realize how immature he was. and that loss made me think of adam and the way he treated me when things didn't go well. even though he wasn't romantic, he still listened and was there when there was something wrong with either one of us. i guess being hit with the reality of how other men can be made me miss being in a mature, loving relationship and now i just miss adam. he's out there somewhere here in socal, i know it. he's back from his year in japan and he hasn't contacted me which is both... good and bad. i have to focus on why it's good though. it's good because if i see him again, it'll hurt so much and i will probably have feelings for him again which will only cause my healing to be pushed back even more. based on the state that i'm in right now, i shouldn't see him. it'll be hard and i won't be able to face him with a logical head.
i also have to remember why we cannot get back together. remember all the bad things because right now all i can think about are the good things. the relationship was not balanced, i feel like i had more love and effort and romance poured into it more often than he did. i didn't have a chance to be truly selfish, i cared so much more about our relationship than myself. adam did more of that and it resulted in him breaking up with me the first time and the second time and almost breaking up with me before he went to ucla. i don't know if it's a man thing, but he definitely prioritized himself more than our relationship, even after we got back together the first time. and i can't get back together with him. it will not work. i don't trust that he'll be truly invested in us again in the way that i want him to. also, he sometimes was not enthusiastic in the dates that i wanted to go on, like at shibuya or disneyland or at the aquarium. it didn't seem like he wanted to be there and it just hurt. i need it to be equal, even if we've been together for a long time.
so that's that. i can't get back together with him and i need to move on. truly i do. today was just a small setback which is, as dr bassi said, is normal. i've allowed myself to cry and mourn but i need to pick myself back up and throw myself back into what i need to do. tomorrow i'll start goal mapping again and each day i'm going to rediscover my passions. the environment, fashion, food, music, etc.
this is the time to rediscover myself. i think i need to take a break from being in any kind of romantic relationship where i lose time to myself or lose myself. i think it would be healthy for me to not pursue anything for a few months. at the very least, take a break from romance until my birthday (unless something truly amazing happens). i have to be with me, i have to love me, i have to build myself back up again and remember who i am, what i'm about. be strong, be indenpendent. you are amazing, megan and are capable of many things. don't let something like this set you back.
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