tonight a culmination of emotions came spilling out. i still miss adam. so. much. it still hurts after three months, even after not talking to him. why now? i feel like part of it is because of the shit with brendan. while it was really nice while it lasted, the way it ended and other parts of him made me realize how immature he was. and that loss made me think of adam and the way he treated me when things didn't go well. even though he wasn't romantic, he still listened and was there when there was something wrong with either one of us. i guess being hit with the reality of how other men can be made me miss being in a mature, loving relationship and now i just miss adam. he's out there somewhere here in socal, i know it. he's back from his year in japan and he hasn't contacted me which is both... good and bad. i have to focus on why it's good though. it's good because if i see him again, it'll hurt so much and i will probably have feelings for him again which will only cause my healing to be pushed back even more. based on the state that i'm in right now, i shouldn't see him. it'll be hard and i won't be able to face him with a logical head.
i also have to remember why we cannot get back together. remember all the bad things because right now all i can think about are the good things. the relationship was not balanced, i feel like i had more love and effort and romance poured into it more often than he did. i didn't have a chance to be truly selfish, i cared so much more about our relationship than myself. adam did more of that and it resulted in him breaking up with me the first time and the second time and almost breaking up with me before he went to ucla. i don't know if it's a man thing, but he definitely prioritized himself more than our relationship, even after we got back together the first time. and i can't get back together with him. it will not work. i don't trust that he'll be truly invested in us again in the way that i want him to. also, he sometimes was not enthusiastic in the dates that i wanted to go on, like at shibuya or disneyland or at the aquarium. it didn't seem like he wanted to be there and it just hurt. i need it to be equal, even if we've been together for a long time.
so that's that. i can't get back together with him and i need to move on. truly i do. today was just a small setback which is, as dr bassi said, is normal. i've allowed myself to cry and mourn but i need to pick myself back up and throw myself back into what i need to do. tomorrow i'll start goal mapping again and each day i'm going to rediscover my passions. the environment, fashion, food, music, etc.
this is the time to rediscover myself. i think i need to take a break from being in any kind of romantic relationship where i lose time to myself or lose myself. i think it would be healthy for me to not pursue anything for a few months. at the very least, take a break from romance until my birthday (unless something truly amazing happens). i have to be with me, i have to love me, i have to build myself back up again and remember who i am, what i'm about. be strong, be indenpendent. you are amazing, megan and are capable of many things. don't let something like this set you back.
Monday, August 6, 2018
Saturday, August 4, 2018
8/4/2018
I had such a lovely day today that I just had to journal! Yesterday was good too.
Yesterday I came home from UCLA for the weekend and had an appointment with Dr. Bassi. I was venting to her all of the shit that happened with Brendan and all of my frustrations with it. She told me that I really don't know the whole story and what's going on with him. At the very least, two basic options might have happened, he really is ignoring me and if he is then FUCK him I don't need that kind of shit, or something really is going on with him and he feels like not talking to me because of it. Either way, it's out of my control and I can't do anything about it in the meantime. So I'm trying to relax now because of that.
I also told her how I was feeling especially lonely and sad since that happened and she encouraged me to spend more quality time by myself instead of trying to distract myself from my feelings.
Afterward, I bought an acai bowl and sat by the beach for half an hour, just thinking, reflecting and enjoying the weather. I still have more reflecting to do about why I'm feeling so lonely and what my passions are.
Today I spent my morning walking with Dad and Boboy to the Farmer's Market and it was so nice! It was good exercise and we got to buy kale and salsa and try some fruit. We watched this horror movie called Happy Death Day together after lunch which was really fun to watch.
In the afternoon, I went out with Erica and Carrie! We stopped by Nijiya to get snacks and food before our movie and then went to watch Sorry to Bother You which was really.... weird. I get the message it's trying to send and I agree with it but the last act with the horse people was TOO MUCH! All three of us agreed on that. After that, we ate dinner together at Fish Bonz talking about attractive celebrities and other things and then walked around Whole Foods before hanging out by the pool just talking about a bunch of stuff. I LOVE those two so much. They really are my best friends because I feel so comfortable around them talking about anything and they're both just such good friends to me! We talked about future trips together, like Solvang for my birthday and a road trip to Portland and Seattle after Erica graduates. I love them so much and can't wait to hang out with them again next weekend!!!
Yesterday I came home from UCLA for the weekend and had an appointment with Dr. Bassi. I was venting to her all of the shit that happened with Brendan and all of my frustrations with it. She told me that I really don't know the whole story and what's going on with him. At the very least, two basic options might have happened, he really is ignoring me and if he is then FUCK him I don't need that kind of shit, or something really is going on with him and he feels like not talking to me because of it. Either way, it's out of my control and I can't do anything about it in the meantime. So I'm trying to relax now because of that.
I also told her how I was feeling especially lonely and sad since that happened and she encouraged me to spend more quality time by myself instead of trying to distract myself from my feelings.
Afterward, I bought an acai bowl and sat by the beach for half an hour, just thinking, reflecting and enjoying the weather. I still have more reflecting to do about why I'm feeling so lonely and what my passions are.
Today I spent my morning walking with Dad and Boboy to the Farmer's Market and it was so nice! It was good exercise and we got to buy kale and salsa and try some fruit. We watched this horror movie called Happy Death Day together after lunch which was really fun to watch.
In the afternoon, I went out with Erica and Carrie! We stopped by Nijiya to get snacks and food before our movie and then went to watch Sorry to Bother You which was really.... weird. I get the message it's trying to send and I agree with it but the last act with the horse people was TOO MUCH! All three of us agreed on that. After that, we ate dinner together at Fish Bonz talking about attractive celebrities and other things and then walked around Whole Foods before hanging out by the pool just talking about a bunch of stuff. I LOVE those two so much. They really are my best friends because I feel so comfortable around them talking about anything and they're both just such good friends to me! We talked about future trips together, like Solvang for my birthday and a road trip to Portland and Seattle after Erica graduates. I love them so much and can't wait to hang out with them again next weekend!!!
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
7/24/18
I AM SO ANNOYED AND CONFUSED.
It has been a week since Brendan has talked to me, assumingly because of him still feeling shitty and not looking at his phone. But still, what does that mean for us? Are we seeing each other no longer a thing because he doesn't want to communicate with me???
I've seen his car a couple of times on my street so I know he's still going to classes, but he's just not choosing to see me. I'm at a point where I want to know a reason why. If this keeps going on, I'd rather him just tell me straight up that he doesn't want to see me anymore OR just tell me why he hasn't been reaching out to me. I know we're not bf/gf, but I feel like he at least owes it to me to explain why he's just been GONE.
It's irritating as FUCCCCK.
I'm debating what to do. I sent him a message asking if he was ok and it says he hasn't read it. I could either wait for him to read it and see what he says, but if too much time passes, then I'm going to either call him and leave him a voicemail or leave a message on his car asking what the fuck is up. I don't like being left in the dark and I'm at a point where I'm just irritated.
I could also... just drop him. Forget about him. Assume we're not seeing each other anymore. I think I'll do this if he sees my message and decides not to talk to me. Or I could just do that right now and not feel bad about it anymore.
I think I have to work out my feelings for him first before I decide what to do.
It has been a week since Brendan has talked to me, assumingly because of him still feeling shitty and not looking at his phone. But still, what does that mean for us? Are we seeing each other no longer a thing because he doesn't want to communicate with me???
I've seen his car a couple of times on my street so I know he's still going to classes, but he's just not choosing to see me. I'm at a point where I want to know a reason why. If this keeps going on, I'd rather him just tell me straight up that he doesn't want to see me anymore OR just tell me why he hasn't been reaching out to me. I know we're not bf/gf, but I feel like he at least owes it to me to explain why he's just been GONE.
It's irritating as FUCCCCK.
I'm debating what to do. I sent him a message asking if he was ok and it says he hasn't read it. I could either wait for him to read it and see what he says, but if too much time passes, then I'm going to either call him and leave him a voicemail or leave a message on his car asking what the fuck is up. I don't like being left in the dark and I'm at a point where I'm just irritated.
I could also... just drop him. Forget about him. Assume we're not seeing each other anymore. I think I'll do this if he sees my message and decides not to talk to me. Or I could just do that right now and not feel bad about it anymore.
I think I have to work out my feelings for him first before I decide what to do.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
7/18/2018
morning pages! at work version. i'm still trying to decide whether i like typing or writing more. typing is easier and quicker but writing feels more raw and personal. i might try writing tomorrow.
yesterday was interesting. brendan has kind of been quiet for the past couple of days and monday's text didn't get answered until last night when he said that he's been feeling really shitty and i asked him why and he said that it's nothing serious and that he doesn't want to worry me. which is sweet of him but like... if he's not feeling good then of course i want to help. i didn't dig any deeper than that though and just told him that i don't mind if he shares his problems with me and that it's not a burden and that he can come talk to me with what's up when he's ready. i don't know, it feels kind of strange and i know that he's a private person and he doesn't usually share things like that easily, but it would be nice to know. i don't know when he's gonna talk to me again, but my plan of action is to sit back and take a beat. i can't force him to tell me everything if he doesn't want to. and either way, i have other stuff to do and worry about.
for instance, today is kind of full of errands especially because i'm leaving for toronto tomorrow night. i have to go to target after work to buy travel size things and snacks for the plane, work out when i get home, fold my laundry, get some studying in, and come up with my packing list. i'm wondering if i should still go out and study with jay because i'm usually more productive outside of my apartment. but it all depends on when i finish all of my errands.
i have a lot of studying and work to do too: we just got assigned our homework for this week and it's 7 problems!!! last week she only assigned six! and all of them this time seem so long! so i have to get a head start on it, especially since i'm gonna be in canada. on top of that, i still have to put together my Mega Problem Set for chapter 2 and hopefully get some good review in. i'm definitely gonna have to take some time aside while i'm in toronto to do some studying because if i don't, i'm gonna be screwed for the midterm.
the midterm is 40% of our grade too and i'm not sure how to feel about it. the class just feels unstructured because of the professor, so i have to organize all of the material myself. luckily, she said the difficulty will be on par with the homework and will cover things we only talked about in class, so there's a good idea of what'll be on it. i hope i do well!
i've also been worrying about my expenses a lot. i feel like i've been doing too much worrying lately and it's not good. anyways, i spend quite a bit of money on food and the amount i have on my budget tracker and the amount that's in my checking is like ~$100 apart.
yesterday was interesting. brendan has kind of been quiet for the past couple of days and monday's text didn't get answered until last night when he said that he's been feeling really shitty and i asked him why and he said that it's nothing serious and that he doesn't want to worry me. which is sweet of him but like... if he's not feeling good then of course i want to help. i didn't dig any deeper than that though and just told him that i don't mind if he shares his problems with me and that it's not a burden and that he can come talk to me with what's up when he's ready. i don't know, it feels kind of strange and i know that he's a private person and he doesn't usually share things like that easily, but it would be nice to know. i don't know when he's gonna talk to me again, but my plan of action is to sit back and take a beat. i can't force him to tell me everything if he doesn't want to. and either way, i have other stuff to do and worry about.
for instance, today is kind of full of errands especially because i'm leaving for toronto tomorrow night. i have to go to target after work to buy travel size things and snacks for the plane, work out when i get home, fold my laundry, get some studying in, and come up with my packing list. i'm wondering if i should still go out and study with jay because i'm usually more productive outside of my apartment. but it all depends on when i finish all of my errands.
i have a lot of studying and work to do too: we just got assigned our homework for this week and it's 7 problems!!! last week she only assigned six! and all of them this time seem so long! so i have to get a head start on it, especially since i'm gonna be in canada. on top of that, i still have to put together my Mega Problem Set for chapter 2 and hopefully get some good review in. i'm definitely gonna have to take some time aside while i'm in toronto to do some studying because if i don't, i'm gonna be screwed for the midterm.
the midterm is 40% of our grade too and i'm not sure how to feel about it. the class just feels unstructured because of the professor, so i have to organize all of the material myself. luckily, she said the difficulty will be on par with the homework and will cover things we only talked about in class, so there's a good idea of what'll be on it. i hope i do well!
i've also been worrying about my expenses a lot. i feel like i've been doing too much worrying lately and it's not good. anyways, i spend quite a bit of money on food and the amount i have on my budget tracker and the amount that's in my checking is like ~$100 apart.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
7/8/2018
Yesterday I spent most of the day in my apartment because it was way too hot to go outside.
I woke up early though to go to the gym and get a workout in. It was worth it! I felt so much better afterward and I can feel the effects already today. My legs feel nice and sore.
The rest of the day I spent inside, waiting to see when Brendan would come over. Most of the time I was either playing Breath of the Wild or practicing ukulele. I watched so much new Steven Universe that morning and then I found a tab sheet page for Here Comes a Thought, so I've been practicing it! It sounds pretty good so far, but I wanna play and sing it at the same time.
Then Brendan came over at around 7 so we watched some Game of Thrones together until going to Kenneth's place at 9. For some reason at the beginning of the night, I wasn't feeling very energetic. To be honest, I didn't feel like I was very present in the night until we started playing Catan. It was a really fun game and I felt like I was able to bond more with Kenneth and Sam over it! They're both really lovely people who are both mature and very fun to be around. Their relationship is very endearing because it's obvious that they both love each other so much. They both show each other so much affection, even around other people. And it's through small things like the stories they tell, the looks they give each other or the small physical touches they have. It made me think that sometimes Adam would not act like that around me and there were moments when I would wonder if he still passionately loved me like that. It made me think that I deserve better, I deserve someone who will give me a relationship like Sam and Kenneth or Tori and Jackson. It was a very nice night.
Funny enough, there were some moments when I would think, "Adam would act like this in this situation" or something like that. I wasn't completely there for some of it, but once we started playing the game, I settled in more and felt more comfortable. I'm not sure what it was about it that made me feel like I was outside of my comfort zone. Maybe it was because I was around people that I still didn't know all that well, even though Brendan was there. Usually, I would think since he's there, I would feel comforted but I guess because we aren't officially dating or anything I kind of felt alone.
This is something that I've been doting on, especially since my stages of grief with the break up is over. I'm trying to find a good balance between all things in my life. I want to spend more time alone because I want to be able to feel comfortable being by myself. At the end of the day, that's all I have: myself! So that even if no one is around to hang out, I can comfortably be okay being alone without having FOMO. However, I'm scared that if I'm by myself too much or if I hang out with Brendan too much, then I'll start feeling depressed; like I need more social interaction somehow. Being with Brendan is really fun, but I'm starting to feel like I wanna hang out with other people other than him during the week. I don't want to fall into the relationship pattern again where I just hang out with one person most of the time and then I start feeling socially dependent on that person.
I think I realized that this morning. So I hit up the Summer Squad group chat and asked if anyone was free to hang out, and now Jay and I are getting lunch later! I've been wanting to hang out with him, Rachel and Emily too so this is nice. I'm also gonna see if I can see some of my friends this weekend too. I'm gonna ask Czarina if she's free on Saturday and if not, then Erica and Carrie. During the week, I'll see Brendan a couple of times. I'll probably see him tomorrow on Monday and definitely on Thursday when he sleeps over. The rest of the week, I'm gonna have work and school and I'll also be working on myself. Practicing being alone and exploring my hobbies and outlets.
I woke up early though to go to the gym and get a workout in. It was worth it! I felt so much better afterward and I can feel the effects already today. My legs feel nice and sore.
The rest of the day I spent inside, waiting to see when Brendan would come over. Most of the time I was either playing Breath of the Wild or practicing ukulele. I watched so much new Steven Universe that morning and then I found a tab sheet page for Here Comes a Thought, so I've been practicing it! It sounds pretty good so far, but I wanna play and sing it at the same time.
Then Brendan came over at around 7 so we watched some Game of Thrones together until going to Kenneth's place at 9. For some reason at the beginning of the night, I wasn't feeling very energetic. To be honest, I didn't feel like I was very present in the night until we started playing Catan. It was a really fun game and I felt like I was able to bond more with Kenneth and Sam over it! They're both really lovely people who are both mature and very fun to be around. Their relationship is very endearing because it's obvious that they both love each other so much. They both show each other so much affection, even around other people. And it's through small things like the stories they tell, the looks they give each other or the small physical touches they have. It made me think that sometimes Adam would not act like that around me and there were moments when I would wonder if he still passionately loved me like that. It made me think that I deserve better, I deserve someone who will give me a relationship like Sam and Kenneth or Tori and Jackson. It was a very nice night.
Funny enough, there were some moments when I would think, "Adam would act like this in this situation" or something like that. I wasn't completely there for some of it, but once we started playing the game, I settled in more and felt more comfortable. I'm not sure what it was about it that made me feel like I was outside of my comfort zone. Maybe it was because I was around people that I still didn't know all that well, even though Brendan was there. Usually, I would think since he's there, I would feel comforted but I guess because we aren't officially dating or anything I kind of felt alone.
This is something that I've been doting on, especially since my stages of grief with the break up is over. I'm trying to find a good balance between all things in my life. I want to spend more time alone because I want to be able to feel comfortable being by myself. At the end of the day, that's all I have: myself! So that even if no one is around to hang out, I can comfortably be okay being alone without having FOMO. However, I'm scared that if I'm by myself too much or if I hang out with Brendan too much, then I'll start feeling depressed; like I need more social interaction somehow. Being with Brendan is really fun, but I'm starting to feel like I wanna hang out with other people other than him during the week. I don't want to fall into the relationship pattern again where I just hang out with one person most of the time and then I start feeling socially dependent on that person.
I think I realized that this morning. So I hit up the Summer Squad group chat and asked if anyone was free to hang out, and now Jay and I are getting lunch later! I've been wanting to hang out with him, Rachel and Emily too so this is nice. I'm also gonna see if I can see some of my friends this weekend too. I'm gonna ask Czarina if she's free on Saturday and if not, then Erica and Carrie. During the week, I'll see Brendan a couple of times. I'll probably see him tomorrow on Monday and definitely on Thursday when he sleeps over. The rest of the week, I'm gonna have work and school and I'll also be working on myself. Practicing being alone and exploring my hobbies and outlets.
Saturday, June 30, 2018
6/30/2018
this week has been a really interesting one...
I spent a lot of time with Brendan and I think our relationship is definitely like a casual romantic relationship?? It's definitely not like a boyfriend/girlfriend type of serious relationship. It's more like we like to hang out with each other, go out to eat, go to Disneyland, kiss and other stuff. And he's really easy to be with and we both find each other really attractive.
Yesterday he slept over after we played a Game of Thrones drinking game, making out, and then sleeping together. It was the first time that I had sex with someone since breaking up with Adam and for the most part, I feel pretty good about it. There was consent to everything and it felt really good and enjoyable. Dr. Bassi told me that I should be able to have sex without feeling any guilt because it's something that I need to satisfy for myself. Or something like that. And the sex was really nice, we both like each other a lot, and it was just fun! I'm trying not to make a big deal about it and I feel like this is kind of opening up a new part of me that's accepting a sexual life without any long-term commitments. I've never been in a casual romantic relationship before and honestly right now it feels really nice. Brendan understands why I don't want a serious relationship after I explained all of it to him, so it's great because we're both on the same page about it! Whether we're exclusive or not hasn't been talked about, but right now I'm not attracted to anyone else.
After sex, we talked for like two hours in bed about random things and deep personal stuff like past relationships and personal growth. I had heard from other people things about Brendan and I wasn't sure what to think of it, so it was good to hear things from his side of the story. In the end, he seems to be aware of mistakes and is trying his best to fix his flaws and grow; which is super mature!
Eventually, we fell asleep but then woke up at 7:30 am. We ended up making out and having sex again, but this time we both came :-) it felt SO nice. And then to make the morning even better, we went out to a cute cafe in Westwood for breakfast! We ate delicious breakfast food, had tea and lovely conversation. I ate a breakfast sandwich that consisted of bacon, avocado, goat cheese, and a fried egg in between a brioche bun. It tasted AMAZING, especially with English Breakfast Tea.
After breakfast, Brendan went to work and we said our goodbyes for the week. I probably won't see him until Thursday because of the holiday.
I spent the rest of the day at home, cleaning my room, doing laundry and going out the Drake Stadium to go for a run. It was the last day of my Fitness Blender workout program, so I ran a mile to check my progress. I went from a 9:20 mile to an 8:24 mile!!!! I was so shocked to see how much I improved! I was worried that I wasn't making any progress because I still felt a little flabby, but seeing how much I improved from the beginning of May was amazing.
I'm going to continue the program again for the rest of the summer to keep up with exercise. I am also debating whether to sign up for a kickboxing class for the summer to find some new hobbies.
I spent the rest of the evening napping, working on homework, looking at food online, and then eating dinner. I'm going to sleep early since I haven't slept much the past two days.
Tomorrow right now all I have on my to do list is to pay bills, do homework, fold laundry, and maybe go for a run. I'm trying to explore what it is that I want to do in my free time. I'm gonna spend some time tomorrow doing some personal exploration exercises to learn about myself more and figure out how to change my lifestyle to make myself the happiest person I can be.
I spent a lot of time with Brendan and I think our relationship is definitely like a casual romantic relationship?? It's definitely not like a boyfriend/girlfriend type of serious relationship. It's more like we like to hang out with each other, go out to eat, go to Disneyland, kiss and other stuff. And he's really easy to be with and we both find each other really attractive.
Yesterday he slept over after we played a Game of Thrones drinking game, making out, and then sleeping together. It was the first time that I had sex with someone since breaking up with Adam and for the most part, I feel pretty good about it. There was consent to everything and it felt really good and enjoyable. Dr. Bassi told me that I should be able to have sex without feeling any guilt because it's something that I need to satisfy for myself. Or something like that. And the sex was really nice, we both like each other a lot, and it was just fun! I'm trying not to make a big deal about it and I feel like this is kind of opening up a new part of me that's accepting a sexual life without any long-term commitments. I've never been in a casual romantic relationship before and honestly right now it feels really nice. Brendan understands why I don't want a serious relationship after I explained all of it to him, so it's great because we're both on the same page about it! Whether we're exclusive or not hasn't been talked about, but right now I'm not attracted to anyone else.
After sex, we talked for like two hours in bed about random things and deep personal stuff like past relationships and personal growth. I had heard from other people things about Brendan and I wasn't sure what to think of it, so it was good to hear things from his side of the story. In the end, he seems to be aware of mistakes and is trying his best to fix his flaws and grow; which is super mature!
Eventually, we fell asleep but then woke up at 7:30 am. We ended up making out and having sex again, but this time we both came :-) it felt SO nice. And then to make the morning even better, we went out to a cute cafe in Westwood for breakfast! We ate delicious breakfast food, had tea and lovely conversation. I ate a breakfast sandwich that consisted of bacon, avocado, goat cheese, and a fried egg in between a brioche bun. It tasted AMAZING, especially with English Breakfast Tea.
After breakfast, Brendan went to work and we said our goodbyes for the week. I probably won't see him until Thursday because of the holiday.
I spent the rest of the day at home, cleaning my room, doing laundry and going out the Drake Stadium to go for a run. It was the last day of my Fitness Blender workout program, so I ran a mile to check my progress. I went from a 9:20 mile to an 8:24 mile!!!! I was so shocked to see how much I improved! I was worried that I wasn't making any progress because I still felt a little flabby, but seeing how much I improved from the beginning of May was amazing.
I'm going to continue the program again for the rest of the summer to keep up with exercise. I am also debating whether to sign up for a kickboxing class for the summer to find some new hobbies.
I spent the rest of the evening napping, working on homework, looking at food online, and then eating dinner. I'm going to sleep early since I haven't slept much the past two days.
Tomorrow right now all I have on my to do list is to pay bills, do homework, fold laundry, and maybe go for a run. I'm trying to explore what it is that I want to do in my free time. I'm gonna spend some time tomorrow doing some personal exploration exercises to learn about myself more and figure out how to change my lifestyle to make myself the happiest person I can be.
Monday, June 11, 2018
6/11/18
my mind is definitely trying to fill the void that adam left. there are many things like the physical intimacy and emotional intimacy and me wanting to reach out to flavious is a form of trying to fill that void. i don't think i'm ready to start dating again. i'm not sure how to feel about a lot of things; flav rejecting me because of my age did hurt of course, but not so much that i'm devastated. i think i'm hurt because i wanted someone to distract me from the feelings of the break up. i find him really attractive but didn't really connect on an emotional level that much. that could be just because we had only seen each other with other people around, but either way something tells me it wasn't really right. but the fact remains that i liked it that he was interested in me and i'm interested in him so now that it's ended, i'm back to focusing on other things. the break up. being alone. i want love and romance and to be with someone who will make me feel the way adam did, hopefully even more. it's kind of consumed me and is what i think about when i'm laying in bed or just waking up.
this is why i think it's good for me to take some time for myself. refocus my energy into me and not be so hung up about wanting to be romantically loved again. it's not the only thing in my life and i really really need to take some time to remind myself of that.
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