5/7/2018

Dear Adam,

It has been 6 days since we broke up and 5 days since I last talked to you.
I have been able to move on with my life easier than I thought, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting from the break up. Most of the day, I can do it. I can be with my family, laugh with my friends, study, go to class, go to work. But there are also bad moments where I want to crawl into bed and never get up.
But these moments are important. I need to have these sad, bad moments because I'm grieving the loss of something very special that we had. Our relationship was something so big in our lives. So much growth came out of it and I was so so so convinced that you were The One. My soulmate. The man that I would marry. But as life had it, it wasn't that simple.
I'm still not sure why (and who knows if I'll ever be), but your feelings faded away again, similar to how they did last year. We were feeling the emotional distance and it was hurting us. I wanted to push forward despite this and find a way to get our passion back, even if it meant we had to fake it or go through a bad phase. But instead, you reflected on these feelings and realized that you couldn't give me what I wanted and that your romantic feelings for me had faded away.
I have been struggling and hurting over your reasoning, but day by day I'm slowly accepting it. I figure it's because your life is changing and maybe it is causing you inner turmoil trying to decide how I fit into it. Maybe it's some issue within yourself and committing to someone long term. Either way, there's something about it that makes it so we really aren't a good fit for each other, deep deep inside. People can't change that quickly, even if last year I thought you had. There were warning signs out there, from the multiple times we almost broke up because of your feelings and the time we actually did. This break up may have saved us from something worse down the line.
That doesn't mean that the time we spent together was useless. The years I spent with you were some of the most formative and maturing in my life. I am who I am today because of all of the emotional support and growth you provided for me. Not only that, but I have discovered so many new things to enjoy and love because of you and your encouragement! Certain video games, tv shows, and playing the ukulele just to name a few. So many good things in my life came from you and I don't resent you at all.
There are times when I go to a bad place that I get frustrated at you. Frustrated that you couldn't just wait until you came back home to really analyze our relationship. Frustrated that you gave up on us rather than trying to fix it. But I can't change your feelings. That is something that is beyond my control. We did everything that we could to make our relationship work, but there are just some things that can't be changed.
This is for the best. We will both grow from this and find out more about ourselves. But I don't want to lose you. And I know you don't want to lose me. Even though it hurts right now, we will definitely still be a part of each other's lives. And who knows whether that's as close friends or something more?
In the end, I'm so happy to have met you. I miss you like crazy, but what can you do? When we meet again in August, I wonder how we will feel and how we will change.
Until then, please be as happy as you can be. Don't make bad decisions. Be honest with me about anything that needs to be said. Grow and find yourself as much as you can.
I love you.